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Fun and Jokes
mary_just_me
post Feb 6 2006, 01:53 PM
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Grandma's birth control pills

The doctor that had been seeing an 80-year-old woman for most of her lifefinally retired. At her next checkup, the new doctor told her to bring a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her.
As the young doctor was looking through these, his eyes grew wide as he realized she had a prescription for birth control pills.
"Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are BIRTH CONTROL pills?
"Yes, they help me sleep at night."
"Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely NOTHING in these that could possibly help you sleep!"
She reached out and patted the young Doctor's knee.
"Yes, dear, I know that. But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16 year old granddaughter drinks..........
And believe me, it helps me sleep at night."

You gotta like Grandmas.
Should children witness childbirth?

(IMG:/laugh.gif) (IMG:/laugh.gif) (IMG:/laugh.gif)


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mary_just_me
post Feb 6 2006, 01:55 PM
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Should children witness childbirth?

This is one of the funniest!

Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call.
The house was very, very dark, so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a
3-year-old girl, to hold a flashlight
high over her Mommy so he
could see while he helped deliver the baby. Very diligently, Kathleen
did as she was asked. Heidi pushed and pushed, and after a little while
Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked
him on his bottom.
Connor began to cry. The paramedic then thanked Kathleen
for her help and asked the
wide-eyed 3-year old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.
Kathleen quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first
place......... smack his butt again"
:roll2: :okay:


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mary_just_me
post Feb 6 2006, 01:59 PM
Post #43


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:coolspeak:
. A trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his order.
>He said, "I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights, and a pair of
>running boards."
>
>The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the
>kitchen and said to the cook, "This guy out there just ordered three flat
>tires, a pair of headlights, and a pair of running boards. What does he
>think this is, an auto parts store?"
>
>"No," the cook said. "Three flat tires mean three pancakes, a pair of
>headlights is two eggs sunny side up, and running boards are 2 slices
>of crisp bacon?"
>
>"Oh, OK!" said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment and then
>spooned up
>a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer.
>
>The trucker asked, "What are the beans for Blondie?"
>
>She replied, "I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires,
>headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up!"
>
>FOR ONCE THE BLONDE GETS EVEN!!!!


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mary_just_me
post Feb 6 2006, 02:01 PM
Post #44


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From: ACTUAL AUSTRALIAN COURT DOCKET 12659 -- CASE OF THE PREGNANT LADY

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man
opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This
time the smile turned into a

grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more
amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained
to the driver, and he had the man arrested.

The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself. The man replied,
"Well your Honor, it was like this:
When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her
condition. She sat down under a sign that said, 'The Double Mint Twins are coming,' and I grinned."
"Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, 'Logan's Liniment will
reduce the swelling', and I had to smile."
"Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, 'William's
Big Stick did the trick,' and I could hardly contain myself."

"BUT, your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, 'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this accident'... I just lost it."


"CASE DISMISSED!!"
(IMG:/laugh.gif) (IMG:/laugh.gif) (IMG:/laugh.gif) (IMG:/laugh.gif) (IMG:/laugh.gif)


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mary_just_me
post Feb 16 2006, 02:26 PM
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PANCAKES
Six-year-old Brandon decided one Saturday morning to fix his parents pancakes. He found a big bowl and spoon, pulled a chair to the counter, opened the cupboard and pulled out the heavy flour canister, spilling it on the floor.
He scooped some of the flour into the bowl with his hands, mixed in most of a cup of milk and added some sugar, leaving a floury trail on the floor which by now had a few tracks left by his kitten.
Brandon was covered with flour and getting frustrated. He wanted this to be something very good for Mom and Dad, but it was getting very bad.
He didn't know what to do next, whether to put it all into the oven or on the stove and he didn't know how the stove worked! Suddenly he saw his kitten licking from the bowl of mix and reached to push her away, knocking the egg carton to the floor. Frantically he tried to clean up this monumental
mess but slipped on the eggs, getting his pajamas white and sticky.
And just then he saw Dad standing at the door. Big crocodile tears welled up in Brandon's eyes All he'd wanted to do was something good, but he'd made a terrible mess He was sure a scolding was coming, maybe even a spanking.
But his father just watched him.
Then, walking through the mess, he picked up his crying son, hugged him and loved him, getting his own pajamas white and sticky in the process!
That's how God deals with us. We try to do something good in life, but it turns into a mess. Our marriage gets all sticky or we insult a friend, or we can't stand our job, or our health goes sour.
Sometimes we just stand there in tears because we can't think of anything else to do. That's when God picks us up and loves us and forgives us, even though some of our mess gets all over Him.
But just because we might mess up, we can't stop! trying to "make pancakes" for God or for others. Sooner or later we'll get it right, and then they'll be glad we tried...
I was thinking. .. and I wondered if I had any wounds needing to be healed, friendships that need rekindling or three words needing to be said, sometimes, "I love you" can heal & bless! Remind every one of your friends that you love them. Even if you think they don't love back, you would be amazed at
what those three little words, a smile, and a reminder likes this can do.


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tuffgirl
post Feb 24 2006, 04:11 AM
Post #46


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there was a mom skunk and a mom duck and they both had a baby.
the two mothers get ran over and killed. then the baby duck starts to cry, the baby skunk goes over to him and asks him, "what?s wrong?"the duck
said,??i don?t know what animal i am.??well,??said the skunk,??you have an
orange bill,lellow feathers, and webbed feet,sooo,your a duck.??then out of
nowhere the skunk starts to cry.??what?s the matter??said the duck.??i don?t know what animal i am.?? the duck then says??well, you are half white,
half black, and you smell like chit,soooo you are a mexican. (IMG:/tongue.gif)


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tuffgirl
post Feb 24 2006, 04:14 AM
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Doctor says to a guy, "I have bad news, and worse news".

Guy says, "What's the bad news."

"You have AIDS."

"Oh, crap. WTH is the worse news??!!"

"You have Alzheimer's."

"Thank God! I thought you were going to tell me I had AIDS."


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tuffgirl
post Feb 24 2006, 04:17 AM
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A well dressed lawyer went into a bar for a martini and found himself beside a scrungy-looking drunk who kept mumbling and studying something in his hand. The attorney leaned closer while the drunk held the tiny object up to the light, slurring "Well, it looks like plastic." Then he rolled it between his fingers, adding "But it feels like rubber."

Curious, the lawyer asked, "What do you have there mister?"

The drunk stammered,"Damn if I know, but it looks like plastic and feels like rubber."

The lawyer said "Let me take a look" and the drunk handed it over. The attorney rolled it between his thumb and fingers, then examined it closely. "Yeah, it does look like plastic and feel like rubber, but I don't know what it is. Where did you get it anyway?"

The drunk replied "Outa my nose."


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tuffgirl
post Feb 24 2006, 04:19 AM
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Two high-school buddies were attending the senior prom. "Suzy wants to go out to my car. She's really hot," one boy said. "I'm really nervous. I know I'll goof up!"

"Take it easy," his friend assured him. "All you gotta do is compliment her. Chicks love to be complemented. You'll have her in the palm of your hand."

About a half-hour later the young man came back, rubbing a black eye.

"Dang, man! What happened to you?!" his buddy asked.

"I took your advice."

"Didn't you compliment her?"

"Sure I did. We got in my car and started kissing. I told her that for such full lips, hers sure tasted sweet. She liked that. After a while I started feeling her tits, and I told her that for such large breasts they sure were firm. She liked that too."

"It sounds like you were doing great," his friend said. "Well," the other answered, "that's when everything went wrong. I got her dress up and her panties off, and I tried to think of another compliment."

"What did you say?"

"For such a large crack, it really doesn't stink much."
(IMG:/laugh.gif)


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tuffgirl
post Feb 24 2006, 04:22 AM
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The Pope, really upset over all the scandels involving Preists and sex has finally had it. He called some of the Cardinals into his office and tells them to call all the Preists and have them come to the vadican for a meeting and a test to see who has problems.
A couple of weeks go by and finally all the Peists arrive at the Vadican for the test. The Pope orders the Cardinals to call the Preists in 10 at a time and they will be tested and anyone who fails the test will be removed from the preist hood.
The first 10 Preists come into the room and the Pope has them all strip naked and tie a bell to their penis. He then says during the test if anyone gets arroused the bell will ring and they will fail the test.
The first part of the test begins, the Pope has a Cardinal bring in a huge stack of porno magazines and hands them out to the Preists, he listens closely for any bells and hears none, "nery good, you have passed the first test, now onto #2."
Next the Pope opens a door to the room and a group of lovely well endowed women come running into the room naked, jumping and kissing on each other, agin the pope listens closely and sure enough he hears a bell ring. "Father John" the Pope yells, "you must get your clothes and leave!!"
As the father bends down to pick up his clothes he turns his back to the other Preist in shame and as he bends to pick his clothes up the remaining 9 bells begin to ring.

:shock: (IMG:/laugh.gif)


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tuffgirl
post Feb 24 2006, 04:26 AM
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Guy walk into a bar and slaps this fancy looking mug down that says on it in bold letters Free beer for life! well the fellow next to him is like WTF?

so he ask the bartender,"How the hell can I get a mug like that?"

well the bartender says, Well you got to do three things. First you got to knock that guy in the corner out with one punch, you have to screw that ugly bitch at the table, and you gotta pull two teeth from old mean mutt who is outback."

Guys says "thats easy!"

bartender relpys, "well not so fast the guy is a former pro boxer, the ugly bitch is a lesbo, and the dog is a real bear killer who will kill you quicker then scratching his fleas."

Guy jumps up runs over and knockes the guy out with one mightly punch, runs out back and all you hear is yelling, howling, and trash cans banging everywhere.

Guy runs back in and says, " Wheres is the ugly bitch who needs two teeth pulled!"


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tuffgirl
post Feb 24 2006, 04:28 AM
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about these 2 guys...Fred and Tyrome. fred is white and tyrome is black. well they'd been riding to work together for like 8 years and Fred always had a smile on his face, so Tyrome asked why.

Fred said because I make love to my wife every morning before i come to work. Tyrome asked how he did that, Fred said he told her a poem. Tyrome asked what it was so he could try it,

so Fred said...
blonde hair blonde hair,
blue eyed blue.
o how i wish to make sweet luv with you!

so they went home and the next day Tyrome came 2 work all bruised and limpin, so Fred asked what happened, if he told his wife the poem. Tyrome said yeh, but my wife dosen't have blonde hair and blue eyes so i made a new 1...
i said...
nappy hair, nappy hair,
eyes like a frog, roll your fat self over
and i'll hump u like a dog!

:oops: (IMG:/laugh.gif)


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mary_just_me
post Feb 24 2006, 08:03 AM
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funnz jokes Tuff :roll2: :selemb:


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nicky
post Feb 25 2006, 06:19 AM
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Oh my god ! I m dieing here laughing ! (IMG:/laugh.gif) (IMG:/laugh.gif) (IMG:/laugh.gif)


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Infinity
post Mar 9 2006, 09:21 PM
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Ten Reasons Why You Should Date a Geek

1. Geeks are useful, they can fix your desktop, laptop? Those skills are very useful and can make your life run smooth.
2. They are romantic than they?re given credit for. Their idea of romance might be making up a web-page abut about you. But hey it lasts longer than flowers and you can show your friends.
3. They?ve got brains and they?re usually very well educated.
4. They?re relatively low-maintenance. So there will be no complicated dinners needed. And if you?re not the best cook, you can order a pizza.
5. You won?t have to worry about what he?s doing. You?ll probably find him at his computer.
6. They trust you, so you can be yourself around them. You like to walk around the house in a ratty t-shirt for comfort? He won?t care. They won?t get pissy if you don?t wear make-up or don?t want to bother primping your hair.
7. He will make you shine everywhere you go. No matter how clumsy you sense of style, no matter how awkward your social skills, you?ll be a fashion star and a classy diplomat next to your geek. He?ll make you look so good; you?ll fall in love with yourself.
8. If you are not into computers, TVs and DVD and you don?t care about being popular and fashionable. What about the newest techie gadgets? You are going to be a proud owner of the latest gadgets if you ever decide to date a geek.
9. He won?t cheat on you either. Place the sexiest woman on earth in a room with a geek, say Angelina Jolie. At the other corner of the room, place the latest model of some computer or other. I am willing to bet that your geek would want to play with that computer much more than getting to know Angelina Jolie. In fact, he might not even see her if the computer is on and connected to the Internet. C?mmon he has to check his email, surf the web and blog about the fact that he is in a room with Angelina Jolie.
10. The final reason is: They actually give a damn about you. Not how you look (though that?s a plus), not how skinny you are, not how much make-up you primp yourself up with, but they like you for you.
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tuffgirl
post Mar 21 2006, 06:18 AM
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Three kids are in school... A white, a black, and a Hispanic kid. The teacher tells them to make a sentence with the words liver and cheese.
White kid says: "My mom made me a liver and cheese sandwich and it was sooo good."
Black kid says: "My daddy told my momma to go get the Government cheese and she didn't, so my daddy punched her in the liver."
Latino kid says: "Some kids were trying to look under my sister's dress and I told them, "Hey!!! Liver alone, cheese my sister!"


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mary_just_me
post Mar 21 2006, 10:28 AM
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(IMG:/laugh.gif) (IMG:/laugh.gif) (IMG:/laugh.gif) (IMG:/laugh.gif) too funny Tuff


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Sweety
post Mar 22 2006, 09:45 AM
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so only white guy answer ok , i like the LIVER (IMG:/tongue.gif)


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tuffgirl
post Apr 5 2006, 12:27 AM
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One day, at a bus stop there was a girl who was wearing a skintight miniskirt. When the bus arrived and it was her turn to get on, she realized that her skirt was so tight she couldn't get her foot high enough to reach to step.
Thinking it would give her enough slack to raise her leg, she reached back and unzipped her skirt a little. She still could not reach the step. Embarrassed, she reached back once again to unzip it a little more. Still, she couldn't reach the step.

So, with her skirt zipper halfway down, she reached back and unzipped her skirt all the way. Thinking that she could get on the step now, she lifted up her leg only to realize that she still couldn't reach the step.

So, seeing how embarrassed the girl was, the man standing behind her put his hands around her waist and lifted her up on to the first step of the bus. The girl turned around furiously and said, "How dare you touch my body that way, I don't even know you!"

Shocked, the man says, "Well, ma'am, after you reached around and unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we were friends."


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tuffgirl
post Apr 5 2006, 12:28 AM
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A young couple on their wedding night were in their honeymoon suite.
As they were undressing for bed, the husband, a big burly man, tossed his trousers to his new bride. He said, "Here, put these on."

She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body.

"I can't wear your trousers." she said.

"That's right,'' said the husband, "and don't you ever forget it. I'm the man who wears the pants in this family."

With that she flipped him her panties and said, "Try these on."

He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps.

"Hell," he said. ''I can't get into your panties!"

She replied, "That's right...and that's the way it is going to stay until your attitude changes."


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