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Fun and Jokes
tuffgirl
post May 20 2005, 05:11 PM
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The Judge asked the defendant, "Mr. Jones ,do you understand that you have sworn to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth?"

"I do."

"Now what do you say to defend yourself?"

"Your Honor, under those limitations... nothing."


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tuffgirl
post May 24 2005, 09:22 PM
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1)The resident began his examination of an elderly woman by asking him what brought her to the hospital.

The woman replied, "An ambulance."



2)Worst thing a doctor could say to his patient:

"Your condition is so rare, we're not sure we're pronouncing it right."


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tuffgirl
post May 24 2005, 09:23 PM
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Name Puns We'd All Like to See

1. If Yoko Ono married Sonny Bono, she'd be Yoko Ono Bono.

2. If Dolly Parton married Salvador Dali, she'd be Dolly Dali.

3. If Bo Derek married Don Ho, she'd be Bo Ho.

4. If Oprah Winfrey married Deepak Chopra, she'd be Oprah Chopra.

5. If Cat Stevens married Snoop Doggy Dogg (Hey! Now everything is possible!) he'd be Cat Doggy Dogg.

6. If Olivia Newton-John married Wayne Newton, then divorced him to marry Elton John, she'd be Olivia Newton-John Newton John.

7. If Sondra Locke married Elliott Ness, then divorced him to marry Herman Munster, she'd become Sondra Locke Ness Munster.

8. If Bea Arthur married Sting, she'd be Bea Sting.

9. If Liv Ullman married Judge Lance Ito, then divorced him and married Jerry Mathers, she'd be Liv Ito Beaver.

10. If Snoop Doggy Dogg married Winnie the Pooh, he'd be Snoop Doggy Dogg Pooh.

11. How about a baseball marriage? If Boog Powell married Felipe Alou, he'd be Boog Alou.

12. If G. Gordon Liddy married Boutros-Boutros Ghali, then divorced him to marry Kenny G., he'd be G. Ghali G.

13. Nog (Quark's nephew on "Star Trek: Deep Space Nine") has no other name, so he uses it twice when getting a marriage license. If he married Howard Hughes, and then Pamela Dare, he'd be Nog Nog Hughes Dare.

14. If Shirley Jones married Tom Ewell, then Johnny Rotten, then Nathan Hale, she'd be Shirley Ewell Rotten Hale.

15. If Jack Handy (SNL writer) married Andy Capp, then married Jack Paar, then moved on to Stephen King, he'd be Jack Handy Capp Paar King.

16. If Javier Lopez married Keiko the whale, and Edith Piaf married Rose Tu the elephant, they would be Javier Keiko and Edith Tu.

17. If Ivana Trump married, in succession, Orson Bean (actor), King Oscar (of Norway), Louis B. Mayer (of MGM), and Norbert Wiener (mathematician), she would then be Ivana Bean Oscar Mayer Wiener.

18. If Woody Allen married Natalie Wood, divorced her and married Gregory Peck, divorced him and married Ben Hur, he'd be Woody Wood Peck Hur.

19. If Dolly Parton married Tommy Smothers, then went even further back in show business and married Mr. Lucky, then divorced and married Martin Short, then divorced and married football kicker Ray Guy, we could all nod understandingly when we heard, "Dolly Parton Smothers Lucky Short Guy."


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tuffgirl
post Jun 9 2005, 03:58 PM
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College Break-up Techniques, Arranged by Major - II

GEOGRAPHY: Simply move far away.

HISTORY: Argue that the breakup was caused by something the other person did in the past.

JEWISH STUDIES: "OY ! You should feel so guilty!"

LAW: Sue her for breach of a pre-dating agreement.

PHILOSOPHY: "If two people break up and there's no one to witness the breakup, are we really single?"

PHYSICS: "What goes up must come down."

PSYCHOLOGY: Accuse the guy of just using you as a substitute for his mother.

SOCIOLOGY: Claim to have been oppressed in the relationship.

THEATER: "OH MY GOD! Life is... ENDED... as we KNOW it!"

ZOOLOGY: "We are able to mate like banshees, but lack sophisticated communication skills."


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tuffgirl
post Jun 9 2005, 04:00 PM
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College Break-up Techniques, Arranged by Major - I

ANATOMY: "I never liked your body."

ARCHAEOLOGY: "Let's bury the past."

ARCHITECTURE: "There just wasn't much to build on...".

BIOLOGY: "You just wanted to get in my genes!"

CHEMISTRY: "It was just the wrong chemistry between us..."

COMPUTING: "Man, this bytes we just can't interface "

COUNSELING: "Get help!"

ECONOMICS: "You just demand more than I can supply."

EDUCATION: "Our relationship has been a learning experience..."

ELEC ENGINEER: "I'm sure there are positives and negatives, but..."

ENGLISH: Write a perfect breakup letter, complete with introduction, thesis, body, and conclusion, that doesn't really say anything substantively intelligible.


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tuffgirl
post Jun 13 2005, 10:30 PM
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Things Found Only In America
1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
4. Only in America......do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet Coke.
5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors to the vault open and then chain the pens to the counters.
6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
9. Only in America......do we use the word "politics" to describe the process so well: "poli" in Latin meaning "many" and "tics" meaning "bloodsucking creatures."
10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.


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Airman04061969
post Jun 14 2005, 06:28 AM
Post #7


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Only in America ..... a child molester can go free ! (IMG:/laugh.gif) That's Michael Jackson, for those of you who do not know whom am I referring to !


--------------------
Bogdan Voicu
("Good judgement comes from experience but experience comes from a lot of (previous) bad judgements").
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tuffgirl
post Jun 14 2005, 01:56 PM
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You , sir, are off topic and did you really think he was going to jail? (IMG:/laugh.gif) Lets be serious!


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tuffgirl
post Jun 29 2005, 06:38 PM
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As i mature


I learned that you cannot make someone love you.
All you can do is stalk them an hope they panic and give in.

I learned that no matter how much i care some people are just assholes.

I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion, not proof to destroy it.

I learned that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes.
After that , you'd better have a big "willy" or huge boobs.

I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others- they are more screwed up than you think.

I've learned that you can keep vomiting long after you're finished.

I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless
we are celebrities.

i've learned that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is
at first, the passion fades, and there had better be a lot of money to
take it's place!

I've learned that 99% of the time when something isn't working in your
house, one of your kids did it.

I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you to soon and all the less important ones just never go away.



(IMG:/laugh.gif) (IMG:/laugh.gif) (IMG:/laugh.gif)


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Anne
post Jun 29 2005, 10:06 PM
Post #10


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-- WOMAN - A Chemical Analysis --


Element:
Woman

Symbol:
WO


Atomic Weight:
Accepted as 57, but known to vary from 50 to 96

Discoverer:
Adam

Occurance:
Copious quantities in all Urban areas, with slighlty lower concentrations in Suburban and Rural areas. Subject to seasonal fluctuations.

Physical Properties:
1) Surface usually covered with painted film.
2) Boils at nothing, freezes without reason.
3) Melts if given special treatment.
4) Bitter if used incorrectly. Can cause headaches. Handle with care!
5) Found in various states; ranging from virgin metal to common ore.
6) Yields to pressure applied to correct points.

Chemical Properties:
1) Has great affinity for Gold, Silver, Platinum and many of the Precious Stones.
2) Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances.
3) May explode spontaneously if left alone on dates.
4) Insoluble in liquids, but there is increased activity when saturated in alcohol to a certain point.
5) Repels cheap material. Neutral to common sense.
6) Most powerful money reducing agent known to Man.

Uses:
Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars.
Can greatly improve relaxation levels.
Can warm and comfort under some circumstances.
Can cool things down when it's too hot.


Tests:
Pure specimen turns rosy pink when discovered in natural state. Turns green when placed beside a better specimen.

Caution:
1) Highly dangerous except in experienced hands. Use extreme care when handling.
2) Illegal to possess more than one, except in Utah.


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tuffgirl
post Jun 29 2005, 10:33 PM
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Good going Anne. If i had a sign for hi five it would have been appropriate for this one (IMG:/laugh.gif) (IMG:/laugh.gif) (IMG:/laugh.gif) :wink:


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Anne
post Jun 30 2005, 12:04 PM
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THE GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN

Between 18 & 20, a woman is like Africa;
Half discovered, half wild; naturally
Beautiful with fertile deltas.

Between 21 & 30, a woman is like America;
Well developed and open to trade especially
for someone with cash.

Between 31 & 35, she is like India;
Very hot, relaxed, & convinced of her own
beauty.

Between 36 & 40, a woman is like France;
Gently aging but still a warm and desirable
place to visit.

Between 41 & 50, she is like Yugoslavia;
Lost the war, haunted by past mistakes.
Massive reconstruction is now necessary.

Between 51 & 60, a woman is like Russia;
Very wide and borders are unpatrolled.
The frigid climate keeps people away.

Between 61 & 70, a woman is like Mongolia;
With a glorious and all conquering past but
alas, no future.

After 70, they become like Afghanistan;
everyone knows where it is, but nobody wants to
go there.

THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN
Between 15 & 70, a man is like Iraq; ruled by a dick (IMG:/laugh.gif) (IMG:/laugh.gif) (IMG:/laugh.gif)


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tuffgirl
post Jul 8 2005, 08:57 PM
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John went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded, rural area of Georgia. John's grandfather prepared breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast. However, John noticed a film-like substance on his plate, and questioned his grandfather asking, "Are these plates clean?"

His grandfather replied, "They're as clean as cold water can get them. Just you go ahead and finish your meal, Sonny!"

For lunch, the old man made hamburgers. Again, John was concerned about the plates as his appeared to have tiny specks around the edge that looked like dried egg and asked, "Are you sure these plates are clean?"

Without looking up the old man said, "I told you before, Sonny, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now don't you fret, I don't want to hear another word about it!"

Later that afternoon, John was on his way to a nearby town and as he was leaving, his grandfather's dog started to growl, and wouldn't let him pass. John yelled and said, "Grandfather, your dog won't let me get to my car!"

Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV, the old man shouted, "Coldwater, go lie down!"


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Anaisse
post Jul 11 2005, 07:05 AM
Post #14


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The best break up letter ever! A soldier stationed in Iraq recently received
a "Dear John" letter from his girlfriend back home. It read as follows:

"Dear Ricky,

I can no longer continue our relationship. The distance between us is just
too great. I must admit that I have cheated on you twice, since you've been
gone, and it's not fair to either of us. I'm sorry. Please return the
picture of me that I sent to you.

Love, Becky.............."

The soldier, with hurt feelings, asked his fellow soldiers for any
snapshots they could spare of their girlfriends, sisters or ex-girlfriends.
In addition to the picture of Becky, Ricky included all the other pictures
of the pretty gals he had collected from his buddies.
There were 57 photos in that envelope.... along with this note:

"Dear Becky, I'm so sorry, but I can't quite remember who the f*** you are.
please take your picture from the pile, and send the rest back to me.

Take care,
Ricky ..... "
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tuffgirl
post Jul 14 2005, 08:28 PM
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Courtroom Q &A

Q: All your responses to the questions must be oral. Do you understand?

A: Yes

Q: What school did you attend in the fall of 1995?

A: Oral.


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tuffgirl
post Jul 14 2005, 08:30 PM
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Alcohol Deficiency and Remedy Chart

SYMPTOM: Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction, beer is unusually pale and clear.

FAULT: Glass empty.

ACTION: Find someone who will buy you another beer.

--

SYMPTOM: Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction, and the front of your shirt is wet.

FAULT: Mouth not open when drinking or glass applied to wrong part of face.

ACTION: Buy another beer and practice in front of mirror. Drink as many as needed to perfect drinking technique.

--

SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.

FAULT: Improper bladder control.

ACTION: Go stand next to nearest dog. After a while complain to the owner about its lack of house training and demand a beer as compensation. --

SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.

FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.

ACTION: Find someone who will buy you another beer.

--

SYMPTOM: Floor swaying.

FAULT: Excessive air turbulence, perhaps due to air-hockey game in progress.

ACTION: Insert broom handle down back of jacket.

--

SYMPTOM: Floor moving.

FAULT: You are being carried out.

ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar. If not, complain loudly that you are being kidnapped.

--

SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.

FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.

ACTION: Turn glass other way up so that open end points toward ceiling.

--

SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with ceiling tiles and fluorescent light strip across it.

FAULT: You have fallen over backward.

ACTION: If your glass is full and no one is standing on your drinking arm, stay put. If not, get someone to help you get up; latch self to bar.

--

SYMPTOM: Everything has gone dim, mouth full of cigarette butts.

FAULT: You have fallen forward.

ACTION: See above.

--

SYMPTOM: Everything has gone dark.

FAULT: The Bar is closing.

ACTION: Panic.

--

SYMPTOM: You awaken to find your bed hard, cold and wet. You cannot see anything in your bedroom.

FAULT: You have spent the night in the gutter.

ACTION: Check your watch to see if bars are open yet. If not, treat yourself to a lie-in.


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Aneisse
post Aug 10 2005, 10:04 AM
Post #17


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An accountant gets home late one night and his wife says, "Where the hell have you been?"
He replies, "I was out getting a tattoo."
"A tattoo?" she frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?"
"I got a hundred dollar bill on my penis," he said proudly.
"What the hell were you thinking?" she said, shaking her head in disdain.
"Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred dollar bill on his penis?"
"Well, one, I like to watch my money grow," he began.
Two, once in a while, I like to play with my money...
Three, I like how money feels in my hand...
And lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want!!!"


(IMG:/laugh.gif) (IMG:/laugh.gif) :wink:


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Daca dragoste nu e, atunci...sa facem !!! :)))
http://theoldjukebox.blogspot.com/
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tuffgirl
post Aug 10 2005, 03:33 PM
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That was a good one (IMG:/laugh.gif) (IMG:/laugh.gif) (IMG:/laugh.gif) :roll2:


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Aneisse
post Aug 11 2005, 06:42 AM
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Good 'couse it was for you!


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Daca dragoste nu e, atunci...sa facem !!! :)))
http://theoldjukebox.blogspot.com/
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tuffgirl
post Aug 18 2005, 07:03 PM
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Thank you Aneisse (IMG:/biggrin.gif) here is one and let me tell you it is true:
You Know You Live in New York City when...

1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.

2. You have never been to the Statue of Liberty or the Empire State Building.

3. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.

4 You think Central Park is "nature,"

5. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.

6. You've worn out a car horn.

7. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.


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