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Fun and Jokes
tuffgirl
post Feb 28 2008, 11:30 PM
Post #101


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16 Years Of Meat
It was many years ago since the embarrassing day when a young woman, with a baby in her arms, entered his butcher shop and confronted him with the news that the baby was his and asked what was he going to do about it? Finally he offered to provide her with free meat until the boy was 16. She agreed.

He had been counting the years off on his calendar, and one day the teenager, who had been collecting the meat each week, came into the shop and said, "I'll be 16 tomorrow."

"I know," said the butcher with a smile, "I've been counting too, tell your mother, when you take this parcel of meat home, that it is the last free meat she'll get, and watch the expression on her face."

When the boy arrived home he told his mother.

The woman nodded and said, "Son, go back to the butcher and tell him I have also had free bread, free milk, and free groceries for the last 16 years and watch the expression on his face!"


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You have been weighed, you have been measured, and you have been found wanting. In what world could you possibly beat me?
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tuffgirl
post Feb 28 2008, 11:32 PM
Post #102


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ITALIAN ARITHMETIC?

An Italian workman wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until
he passes a little math test.

"Here's your first question," the foreman said.
"Without using numbers, represent the number 9."

"Withouta numbers?" the Italian says, "Datsa easy."
and he proceeds to draw three trees.

"What's this?" the boss asks.

"Ave you gota no brain? Tree and tree and tree make a
nine," says the Italian.

"Fair enough," says the boss. "Here's your second question.
Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99."

The Italian stares into space for a while, thenpicks up the picture
that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree
"Ere you go."

The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get
that to represent 99?"

"Eacha of da trees is a dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty
tree,
and dirty tree. Datsa a 99."

The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire
this Italian, so he says, "All right, last question.

Same rules again, but represent the number 100."

The Italian stares into space some more, then he picks up the
picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree
and says, "Ere you go. One hundred."

The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think
that represents a hundred!"

(You're going to love this one!!!)

The Italian leans forward and points to the marks at the base
of each tree and says, "A little doga come along and shita by
eacha tree. So now you gota dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree
and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, data makea one hundred.
So, whenna I start?


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tuffgirl
post Feb 28 2008, 11:32 PM
Post #103


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Sick Leave

I urgently needed a few days off work,

But, I knew the Boss would not allow me to take leave.

I thought that maybe if I acted "Crazy"
Then he would tell me to take a few days off.

So, I hung upside-down on the ceiling and made funny noises.

My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing.

I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb,

So, that the Boss might think I was "Crazy" and give me a few days off.

A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked,

"What in the name of good GOD are you doing? "

I told him I was a light bulb.

He said, "You are clearly stressed out."
Go home and recuperate for a couple of days."

I jumped down and walked out of the office...

When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss asked her,

". ..And where do you think you're going?!"

(You're gonna love this....)





She said, "I'm going home too. I can't work in the dark.


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tuffgirl
post Mar 15 2008, 01:15 AM
Post #104


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A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!"

The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!" Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.

Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home, when he spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he saw a huge 9-foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She took aim, killed the creature, and with a great deal of effort hauled it on to the swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watched in amazement. Just then the blonde flipped the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouts out, "Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"


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tuffgirl
post Mar 25 2008, 05:48 AM
Post #105


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These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
______________________ ________________
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.
________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shittin' me?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh.... I was gettin' laid!
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS : Are you shittin' me? Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Guess.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 P.M.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at t he time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________

And the best for last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?

WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.


--------------------
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tuffgirl
post Apr 1 2008, 02:09 AM
Post #106


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Men Are Just Happier People



NICKNAMES

If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura,

Kate and Sarah .

If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other

as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.



EATING OUT

When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even

though it's only for $32.50.

None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they

want change back.

When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.



MONEY

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.



BATHROOMS

A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving

cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from Wal Mart.

The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337.

A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.



ARGUMENTS

A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.



CATS

Women love cats.

Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.



FUTURE

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.



SUCCESS

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.



MARRIAGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.



DRESSING UP

A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the bins,

answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.

A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.



NATURAL

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.

Women somehow deteriorate during the night.



OFFSPRING

Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children.

She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite

foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.

A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.



THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

A married man should forget his mistakes.

There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.


--------------------
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tuffgirl
post Apr 1 2008, 02:11 AM
Post #107


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A Jewish lady says to her mother,

'I'm divorcing Sheldon! All he wants

is anal s*x, and my as***ole is now

the size of a 50 cent piece when it

used to be the size of a dime.'



Mother says, 'You're married to a

multi-millionaire businessman, you

live in a mansion, you drive a

Ferrari,

you get $10,000 a week allowance,

you take 6 vacations a year, and you

want to throw all that away for 40 cents?


--------------------
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jolie_jojo
post Apr 22 2008, 10:04 AM
Post #108


Tra la la
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From: Departe...
Member No.: 4,125



The Good, The Bad and The Ugly

Good: Your wife is pregnant.
Bad: It's triplets.
Ugly: You had a vasectomy five years ago.

Good: Your wife's not talking to you.
Bad: She wants a divorce.
Ugly: She's a lawyer

Good: Your son is finally maturing.
Bad: He's involved with the Woman next door.
Ugly: So are you

Good: Your son studies a lot in his room..
Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there.
Ugly: You're in them

Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids.
Bad: You can't find your birth control pills.
Ugly: Your 13 year old daughter borrowed them.

Good: Your husband understands fashion.
Bad: He's a cross-dresser.
Ugly: He looks better than you

Good: You give the "birds and bees" talk to your daughter.
Bad: She keeps interrupting.
Ugly: With corrections.

Good: The postman's early.
Bad: He's wearing fatigues and carrying a shotgun.
Ugly: You gave him nothing for Christmas.


Good: Your son is dating someone new.
Bad: It's another man.
Ugly: He's your best friend.

Good: Your daughter got a new job.
Bad: As a hooker.
Ugly: Your coworkers are her best clients.
Way ugly: She makes more money than you do.


--------------------
"Suntem nevoiti sa va returnam declaratia fiscala cu rugamintea sa o revedeti si sa faceti corecturile necesare, deoarece nu putem accepta raspunsul dvs. de la rubrica PERSOANE AFLATE IN INTRETINERE unde ati trecut Guvernul, Parlamentul, functionarii administratiei locale, judetene si de stat precum si cateva milioane de tigani si pensionari pe caz de boala"
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tuffgirl
post May 4 2008, 04:46 AM
Post #109


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What Religion is Your Bra?

A man walked into the Ladies Department of a Macy's and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter. He said,

'I'd like to buy a bra for my wife. '

'What type of bra?' asked the clerk.

' Type?' inquired the man, 'There's more than one type?'

' Look around,' said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material imaginable.

'Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose from .'

Relieved, the man askedabout the types.

The saleslady replied:

'There are the Catholic, the Salvation Army, the Presbyterian, and the Baptist types.

Which one would you prefer?'


Now totally befuddled, the man asked about the differences between them.

The Saleslady responded,

'It is all really quite simple. ...


The Catholic type supports the masses;

The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen;

The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright; and

The Baptist makes mountains out of mole hills.'






Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, and H are the letters used to define bra sizes?

If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out what the letters stood for, it is about time you became informed!

(A} Almost Boobs...
{B} Barely there...
{C} Can't Complain!...
{D} Dang!...
{DD} Double dang!...
{E} Enormous!...
{F} Fake...
{G} Get a Reduction...
{H} Help me, I've fallen and I can't get up!...

They forgot the German bra: Holtzemfromfloppen !


--------------------
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tuffgirl
post May 22 2008, 01:50 AM
Post #110


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http://www.funnieststuff.net/viewmovie.php?id=818


--------------------
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tuffgirl
post May 29 2008, 03:23 AM
Post #111


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Grandma and The Oranges

Lulu was a prostitute, but she didn't want her Grandma to know.
One day, the police raided the brothel
and took all the girls outside and made them line up
Suddenly, Lulu's Grandma came by.

Not willing to let her Grandmother know the truth, Lulu told her that
the police were passing out free oranges and she was just lining up for
some.

'Why, that's awfully nice of them. I think I'll get some for myself'
Grandma said, and she proceeded to the back of the line.

A policeman was going down the line asking for information from all the
prostitutes.
When he got to Grandma, he was bewildered and exclaimed,
'Wow, still going at it at your age? How do you do it old girl?'

Grandma replied, 'Oh, it's easy, dear. I just take my denture out, rip the
skin back and suck'em dry.'
The policeman fainted.


(IMG:style_emoticons/default/rolleyes.gif)


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tuffgirl
post Jun 16 2008, 07:58 PM
Post #112


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DEEP THOUGHTS BY MEN WHILE FISHING

Two men are out ice fishing at their favorite fishing hole, just
fishing quietly and drinking beer. Almost silently, so as not to
scare the fish ,Bob says:

'I think I'm going to divorce my wife - she hasn't spoken to me
in over 2 months.'

Frank continues slowly sipping his beer,then thoughtfully says:

'You better think it over- women like that are hard to find.'


--------------------
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elena-tolstaja
post Oct 4 2008, 10:58 PM
Post #113


Newbie
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Group: Members
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Joined: 4-October 08
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Hello,just joined the forum and to not be ghost user with no posts will post some USELESS joke (IMG:style_emoticons/default/smile.gif)

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Smoking in the Rain

Two old ladies were waiting for a bus and one of them was smoking a cigarette. It started to rain, so the old lady reached into her purse, took out a condom, cut off the tip and slipped it over her cigarette and continued to smoke.
Her friend saw this and said, "Hey that's a good idea! But, what is that thing you put over your cigarette?"
The other old lady said, "It's a condom."
"A condom? Where do you get those?"
The lady with the cigarette told her friend that you could purchase condoms at the pharmacy. When the two old ladies arrived downtown, the old lady with all the questions went into the pharmacy and asked the pharmacist if he sold condoms. The pharmacist said yes, but looked a little surprised that this old woman was interested in condoms, so he asked her, "What size do you want?"
The old lady thought for a minute and said, "One that will fit a Camel."

poor,poor Camel (IMG:style_emoticons/default/smile.gif) (IMG:style_emoticons/default/smile.gif)

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tuffgirl
post Oct 20 2008, 09:50 PM
Post #114


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There were two nuns..

One of them was known as Sister Mathematical
(SM),

and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL) .

It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.


SM:
Have you noticed that a man has been following us for
the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.

SL:
It's logical. He wants to rape us.

SM:
Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes
at the most! What can we do?

SL:
The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.


SM:
It's not working.

SL:
Of course it's not working. The man did the only
logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.

SM
: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.

SL:
The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.

So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.


Sister Mathematical
arrives at the convent and is
worried about what has happened to Sister Logical.

Then
Sister Logical arrives.

SM:
Sister Logical! Thank God you are here!
Tell me what happened!

SL
: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me


SM
: Yes, yes! But what happened then?

SL
: The only logical thing happened. I started to run
as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.

SM
: And?

SL
: The only logical thing happened. He reached me.

SM
: Oh, dear! What did you do?

SL
: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.

SM
: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?

SL
: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.


SM: Oh, no! What happened then?

SL
: Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his pants down.

And for those of you who thought it would be dirty,

Say two Hail Marys!








--------------------
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tuffgirl
post Oct 20 2008, 09:51 PM
Post #115


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A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver
won't stop staring at her.

She asks him why he is staring.

He replies: "I have a question to ask you, but I don't want to offend you".

She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am
and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and
hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could
say or ask that I would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."

She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that. But first,
you have to be single and you must be Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"

"OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley, "maybe we will see what
we can do."

The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker
blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts
crying.

"My dear child," said the nun, why are you crying?"

"Forgive me, but I've sinned. I lied. I must confess, I'm married and
I'm Jewish."

The nun says, "That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party."


--------------------
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sand
post Nov 22 2008, 09:16 PM
Post #116


Advanced Member
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Group: Members
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From: aici
Member No.: 13,638



Hope you won't acuse me I'm a woman hater ... it's just for fun! (IMG:style_emoticons/default/biggrin.gif)

Women, know your limits


--------------------
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tuffgirl
post Nov 23 2008, 03:10 AM
Post #117


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Woman hater chauvinist (IMG:http://s2.rimg.info/3cd38143c40c60bccdf8a8589c77f2a6.gif)



(IMG:http://s15.rimg.info/f55430c6c1c0aa9f42720b65f9d99f28.gif)


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tuffgirl
post Nov 24 2008, 08:38 PM
Post #118


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A young cowboy and cowgirl decide...



...to get married. He was a man of the world. She was an innocent bride with no experience.

After the wedding they left for their honeymoon. While driving down the road the new bride sees two cows having sex.

The new bride asks, "What are them cows up to honey?"

The husband a bit flustered answers, "Why can't you see? Them cows they're roping!"

She replies, "Oh I see!"

After a few more hours of driving they pass two horses having sex.

Again the bride asks, "What are them horses doing honey?"

The husband answers again, "Them horses they're roping!"

She replies, "Oh I see!"

Finally they arrive at their hotel. The couple washed up and started to get ready for bed. When they got in the bed they start to explore each others bodies. Things are going along fine until the bride discovers her husband's penis.

"Oh my!" she cries "What is that?"

"Well darlin'" he chuckles proudly "That's ma' rope!"

She slides her hands down further and gasps "Oh my goodness! What are those?" she asks.

"Honey those're my knots!" he answers.

Finally the couple begins to make love. After several minutes the bride says "Stop honey, wait a minute!"

Her husband panting a little asks "What's the matter honey, am I hurting you?"

"No" the bride replies "undo them damn knots...




...I need more rope!"



(IMG:style_emoticons/default/laugh.gif)


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You have been weighed, you have been measured, and you have been found wanting. In what world could you possibly beat me?
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tuffgirl
post Nov 28 2008, 05:59 PM
Post #119


Can't touch this!
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QUOTE (sand @ Nov 22 2008, 06:16 PM) *
Hope you won't acuse me I'm a woman hater ... it's just for fun! (IMG:style_emoticons/default/biggrin.gif)

Women, know your limits




Here's another one


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=39qdhbkTko4&NR=1




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You have been weighed, you have been measured, and you have been found wanting. In what world could you possibly beat me?
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tuffgirl
post Dec 10 2008, 12:48 AM
Post #120


Can't touch this!
****

Group: Moderatori
Posts: 6,100
Joined: 10-February 05
From: who cares?
Member No.: 618



A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected: 2
litres of low fat milk,
a carton of eggs,
2 litres of orange juice,
a head of lettuce,
half a dozen tomatoes,
a 500g jar of coffee,
a 250g pack
of bacon

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.
While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated,
'You must be single.'
The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selection that could have tipped off the Drunk to her marital status.
Curiosity getting the better of her, she said, 'Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?'

The drunk replied, 'Cos you're ugly.'


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You have been weighed, you have been measured, and you have been found wanting. In what world could you possibly beat me?
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