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Cafeneaua Itbox _ English _ Fun and Jokes

Posted by: tuffgirl May 20 2005, 05:11 PM

The Judge asked the defendant, "Mr. Jones ,do you understand that you have sworn to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth?"

"I do."

"Now what do you say to defend yourself?"

"Your Honor, under those limitations... nothing."

Posted by: tuffgirl May 24 2005, 09:22 PM

1)The resident began his examination of an elderly woman by asking him what brought her to the hospital.

The woman replied, "An ambulance."



2)Worst thing a doctor could say to his patient:

"Your condition is so rare, we're not sure we're pronouncing it right."

Posted by: tuffgirl May 24 2005, 09:23 PM

Name Puns We'd All Like to See

1. If Yoko Ono married Sonny Bono, she'd be Yoko Ono Bono.

2. If Dolly Parton married Salvador Dali, she'd be Dolly Dali.

3. If Bo Derek married Don Ho, she'd be Bo Ho.

4. If Oprah Winfrey married Deepak Chopra, she'd be Oprah Chopra.

5. If Cat Stevens married Snoop Doggy Dogg (Hey! Now everything is possible!) he'd be Cat Doggy Dogg.

6. If Olivia Newton-John married Wayne Newton, then divorced him to marry Elton John, she'd be Olivia Newton-John Newton John.

7. If Sondra Locke married Elliott Ness, then divorced him to marry Herman Munster, she'd become Sondra Locke Ness Munster.

8. If Bea Arthur married Sting, she'd be Bea Sting.

9. If Liv Ullman married Judge Lance Ito, then divorced him and married Jerry Mathers, she'd be Liv Ito Beaver.

10. If Snoop Doggy Dogg married Winnie the Pooh, he'd be Snoop Doggy Dogg Pooh.

11. How about a baseball marriage? If Boog Powell married Felipe Alou, he'd be Boog Alou.

12. If G. Gordon Liddy married Boutros-Boutros Ghali, then divorced him to marry Kenny G., he'd be G. Ghali G.

13. Nog (Quark's nephew on "Star Trek: Deep Space Nine") has no other name, so he uses it twice when getting a marriage license. If he married Howard Hughes, and then Pamela Dare, he'd be Nog Nog Hughes Dare.

14. If Shirley Jones married Tom Ewell, then Johnny Rotten, then Nathan Hale, she'd be Shirley Ewell Rotten Hale.

15. If Jack Handy (SNL writer) married Andy Capp, then married Jack Paar, then moved on to Stephen King, he'd be Jack Handy Capp Paar King.

16. If Javier Lopez married Keiko the whale, and Edith Piaf married Rose Tu the elephant, they would be Javier Keiko and Edith Tu.

17. If Ivana Trump married, in succession, Orson Bean (actor), King Oscar (of Norway), Louis B. Mayer (of MGM), and Norbert Wiener (mathematician), she would then be Ivana Bean Oscar Mayer Wiener.

18. If Woody Allen married Natalie Wood, divorced her and married Gregory Peck, divorced him and married Ben Hur, he'd be Woody Wood Peck Hur.

19. If Dolly Parton married Tommy Smothers, then went even further back in show business and married Mr. Lucky, then divorced and married Martin Short, then divorced and married football kicker Ray Guy, we could all nod understandingly when we heard, "Dolly Parton Smothers Lucky Short Guy."

Posted by: tuffgirl Jun 9 2005, 03:58 PM

College Break-up Techniques, Arranged by Major - II

GEOGRAPHY: Simply move far away.

HISTORY: Argue that the breakup was caused by something the other person did in the past.

JEWISH STUDIES: "OY ! You should feel so guilty!"

LAW: Sue her for breach of a pre-dating agreement.

PHILOSOPHY: "If two people break up and there's no one to witness the breakup, are we really single?"

PHYSICS: "What goes up must come down."

PSYCHOLOGY: Accuse the guy of just using you as a substitute for his mother.

SOCIOLOGY: Claim to have been oppressed in the relationship.

THEATER: "OH MY GOD! Life is... ENDED... as we KNOW it!"

ZOOLOGY: "We are able to mate like banshees, but lack sophisticated communication skills."

Posted by: tuffgirl Jun 9 2005, 04:00 PM

College Break-up Techniques, Arranged by Major - I

ANATOMY: "I never liked your body."

ARCHAEOLOGY: "Let's bury the past."

ARCHITECTURE: "There just wasn't much to build on...".

BIOLOGY: "You just wanted to get in my genes!"

CHEMISTRY: "It was just the wrong chemistry between us..."

COMPUTING: "Man, this bytes we just can't interface "

COUNSELING: "Get help!"

ECONOMICS: "You just demand more than I can supply."

EDUCATION: "Our relationship has been a learning experience..."

ELEC ENGINEER: "I'm sure there are positives and negatives, but..."

ENGLISH: Write a perfect breakup letter, complete with introduction, thesis, body, and conclusion, that doesn't really say anything substantively intelligible.

Posted by: tuffgirl Jun 13 2005, 10:30 PM

Things Found Only In America
1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
4. Only in America......do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet Coke.
5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors to the vault open and then chain the pens to the counters.
6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
9. Only in America......do we use the word "politics" to describe the process so well: "poli" in Latin meaning "many" and "tics" meaning "bloodsucking creatures."
10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

Posted by: Airman04061969 Jun 14 2005, 06:28 AM

Only in America ..... a child molester can go free ! laugh.gif That's Michael Jackson, for those of you who do not know whom am I referring to !

Posted by: tuffgirl Jun 14 2005, 01:56 PM

You , sir, are off topic and did you really think he was going to jail? laugh.gif Lets be serious!

Posted by: tuffgirl Jun 29 2005, 06:38 PM

As i mature


I learned that you cannot make someone love you.
All you can do is stalk them an hope they panic and give in.

I learned that no matter how much i care some people are just assholes.

I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion, not proof to destroy it.

I learned that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes.
After that , you'd better have a big "willy" or huge boobs.

I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others- they are more screwed up than you think.

I've learned that you can keep vomiting long after you're finished.

I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless
we are celebrities.

i've learned that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is
at first, the passion fades, and there had better be a lot of money to
take it's place!

I've learned that 99% of the time when something isn't working in your
house, one of your kids did it.

I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you to soon and all the less important ones just never go away.



laugh.gif laugh.gif laugh.gif

Posted by: Anne Jun 29 2005, 10:06 PM

-- WOMAN - A Chemical Analysis --


Element:
Woman

Symbol:
WO


Atomic Weight:
Accepted as 57, but known to vary from 50 to 96

Discoverer:
Adam

Occurance:
Copious quantities in all Urban areas, with slighlty lower concentrations in Suburban and Rural areas. Subject to seasonal fluctuations.

Physical Properties:
1) Surface usually covered with painted film.
2) Boils at nothing, freezes without reason.
3) Melts if given special treatment.
4) Bitter if used incorrectly. Can cause headaches. Handle with care!
5) Found in various states; ranging from virgin metal to common ore.
6) Yields to pressure applied to correct points.

Chemical Properties:
1) Has great affinity for Gold, Silver, Platinum and many of the Precious Stones.
2) Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances.
3) May explode spontaneously if left alone on dates.
4) Insoluble in liquids, but there is increased activity when saturated in alcohol to a certain point.
5) Repels cheap material. Neutral to common sense.
6) Most powerful money reducing agent known to Man.

Uses:
Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars.
Can greatly improve relaxation levels.
Can warm and comfort under some circumstances.
Can cool things down when it's too hot.


Tests:
Pure specimen turns rosy pink when discovered in natural state. Turns green when placed beside a better specimen.

Caution:
1) Highly dangerous except in experienced hands. Use extreme care when handling.
2) Illegal to possess more than one, except in Utah.

Posted by: tuffgirl Jun 29 2005, 10:33 PM

Good going Anne. If i had a sign for hi five it would have been appropriate for this one laugh.gif laugh.gif laugh.gif :wink:

Posted by: Anne Jun 30 2005, 12:04 PM

THE GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN

Between 18 & 20, a woman is like Africa;
Half discovered, half wild; naturally
Beautiful with fertile deltas.

Between 21 & 30, a woman is like America;
Well developed and open to trade especially
for someone with cash.

Between 31 & 35, she is like India;
Very hot, relaxed, & convinced of her own
beauty.

Between 36 & 40, a woman is like France;
Gently aging but still a warm and desirable
place to visit.

Between 41 & 50, she is like Yugoslavia;
Lost the war, haunted by past mistakes.
Massive reconstruction is now necessary.

Between 51 & 60, a woman is like Russia;
Very wide and borders are unpatrolled.
The frigid climate keeps people away.

Between 61 & 70, a woman is like Mongolia;
With a glorious and all conquering past but
alas, no future.

After 70, they become like Afghanistan;
everyone knows where it is, but nobody wants to
go there.

THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN
Between 15 & 70, a man is like Iraq; ruled by a dick laugh.gif laugh.gif laugh.gif

Posted by: tuffgirl Jul 8 2005, 08:57 PM

John went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded, rural area of Georgia. John's grandfather prepared breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast. However, John noticed a film-like substance on his plate, and questioned his grandfather asking, "Are these plates clean?"

His grandfather replied, "They're as clean as cold water can get them. Just you go ahead and finish your meal, Sonny!"

For lunch, the old man made hamburgers. Again, John was concerned about the plates as his appeared to have tiny specks around the edge that looked like dried egg and asked, "Are you sure these plates are clean?"

Without looking up the old man said, "I told you before, Sonny, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now don't you fret, I don't want to hear another word about it!"

Later that afternoon, John was on his way to a nearby town and as he was leaving, his grandfather's dog started to growl, and wouldn't let him pass. John yelled and said, "Grandfather, your dog won't let me get to my car!"

Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV, the old man shouted, "Coldwater, go lie down!"

Posted by: Anaisse Jul 11 2005, 07:05 AM

The best break up letter ever! A soldier stationed in Iraq recently received
a "Dear John" letter from his girlfriend back home. It read as follows:

"Dear Ricky,

I can no longer continue our relationship. The distance between us is just
too great. I must admit that I have cheated on you twice, since you've been
gone, and it's not fair to either of us. I'm sorry. Please return the
picture of me that I sent to you.

Love, Becky.............."

The soldier, with hurt feelings, asked his fellow soldiers for any
snapshots they could spare of their girlfriends, sisters or ex-girlfriends.
In addition to the picture of Becky, Ricky included all the other pictures
of the pretty gals he had collected from his buddies.
There were 57 photos in that envelope.... along with this note:

"Dear Becky, I'm so sorry, but I can't quite remember who the f*** you are.
please take your picture from the pile, and send the rest back to me.

Take care,
Ricky ..... "

Posted by: tuffgirl Jul 14 2005, 08:28 PM

Courtroom Q &A

Q: All your responses to the questions must be oral. Do you understand?

A: Yes

Q: What school did you attend in the fall of 1995?

A: Oral.

Posted by: tuffgirl Jul 14 2005, 08:30 PM

Alcohol Deficiency and Remedy Chart

SYMPTOM: Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction, beer is unusually pale and clear.

FAULT: Glass empty.

ACTION: Find someone who will buy you another beer.

--

SYMPTOM: Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction, and the front of your shirt is wet.

FAULT: Mouth not open when drinking or glass applied to wrong part of face.

ACTION: Buy another beer and practice in front of mirror. Drink as many as needed to perfect drinking technique.

--

SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.

FAULT: Improper bladder control.

ACTION: Go stand next to nearest dog. After a while complain to the owner about its lack of house training and demand a beer as compensation. --

SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.

FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.

ACTION: Find someone who will buy you another beer.

--

SYMPTOM: Floor swaying.

FAULT: Excessive air turbulence, perhaps due to air-hockey game in progress.

ACTION: Insert broom handle down back of jacket.

--

SYMPTOM: Floor moving.

FAULT: You are being carried out.

ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar. If not, complain loudly that you are being kidnapped.

--

SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.

FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.

ACTION: Turn glass other way up so that open end points toward ceiling.

--

SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with ceiling tiles and fluorescent light strip across it.

FAULT: You have fallen over backward.

ACTION: If your glass is full and no one is standing on your drinking arm, stay put. If not, get someone to help you get up; latch self to bar.

--

SYMPTOM: Everything has gone dim, mouth full of cigarette butts.

FAULT: You have fallen forward.

ACTION: See above.

--

SYMPTOM: Everything has gone dark.

FAULT: The Bar is closing.

ACTION: Panic.

--

SYMPTOM: You awaken to find your bed hard, cold and wet. You cannot see anything in your bedroom.

FAULT: You have spent the night in the gutter.

ACTION: Check your watch to see if bars are open yet. If not, treat yourself to a lie-in.

Posted by: Aneisse Aug 10 2005, 10:04 AM

An accountant gets home late one night and his wife says, "Where the hell have you been?"
He replies, "I was out getting a tattoo."
"A tattoo?" she frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?"
"I got a hundred dollar bill on my penis," he said proudly.
"What the hell were you thinking?" she said, shaking her head in disdain.
"Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred dollar bill on his penis?"
"Well, one, I like to watch my money grow," he began.
Two, once in a while, I like to play with my money...
Three, I like how money feels in my hand...
And lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want!!!"


laugh.gif laugh.gif :wink:

Posted by: tuffgirl Aug 10 2005, 03:33 PM

That was a good one laugh.gif laugh.gif laugh.gif :roll2:

Posted by: Aneisse Aug 11 2005, 06:42 AM

Good 'couse it was for you!

Posted by: tuffgirl Aug 18 2005, 07:03 PM

Thank you Aneisse biggrin.gif here is one and let me tell you it is true:
You Know You Live in New York City when...

1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.

2. You have never been to the Statue of Liberty or the Empire State Building.

3. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.

4 You think Central Park is "nature,"

5. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.

6. You've worn out a car horn.

7. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.

Posted by: tuffgirl Sep 2 2005, 04:47 PM

Two blondes and a brunette were hanging from a rope going horizontaily across a canyon. The rope could only support two people at a time, so they decided to each give a speech. The two who gave the best speech could remain on the rope.
The first blonde gave her speech and it was pretty good.

The second blonde gave her speech and it was wonderful.

Then the brunette gave her speech, it was fabulous!

The blondes were so impressed, they clapped their hands.....

Posted by: tuffgirl Sep 5 2005, 06:36 PM

In the beginning, there was nothing.

God said, "Let there be light!"...and there was light!

There was still nothing, but you could see it a whole lot better.

Posted by: tuffgirl Sep 14 2005, 01:36 AM

Three men were walking through the forest when they came to an enormous river. The river rapids were splashing everywhere, making it too dangerous to swim. All of a sudden, a river guardian appears.
Guardian: If you desire to cross this river, I will give each of you one wish in order to do so. Use it wisely.

First man: I wish I were big, tall, and strong enough in order to wade across the river.

*POOF!* He became what he wished for, waded across the river, and turned back into himself on the other side.

Second man: I know! I wish I could be a bird, so that way I could fly across the river!

*POOF! He turned into a bird, flew across, and turned back into himself on the other side.

Third man: -Hmm, I'm going to do this the right way. How about...- I wish I had the intelligence to get across this river.

So *POOF!* The man turned into a woman and walked across the bridge.


tongue.gif tongue.gif tongue.gif laugh.gif

Posted by: tuffgirl Sep 14 2005, 01:37 AM

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started."
Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger."

He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then....." he sighed, "let's put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box."
:oopss:

Posted by: tuffgirl Sep 16 2005, 04:20 PM

12 things you didn't know, you didn't know tongue.gif

Did you know...

It is impossible to lick your elbow.
A crocodile can't stick its tongue out.
A shrimp's heart is in its head.
In a study of 200,000 ostriches, over a period of 80 years, no one reported a single case where an ostrich buried its head in the sand.
It is physically impossible for pigs to look up into the sky.
A pregnant goldfish is called a twit.
More than 50% of the people in the world have never made or received a telephone call.
Horses can't vomit.
The "sixth sick sheik's sixth sheep's sick" is said to be the toughest tongue twister in the English language.
If you sneeze too hard, you can fracture a rib. If you try to suppress a sneeze, you can rupture a blood vessel in your head or neck and die. And, if you keep your eyes open by force, they can pop out.
Rats multiply so quickly that in 18 months, two rats could have over a million descendants.
Wearing headphones for just an hour will increase the bacteria in your ear by 700 times.

I didn't think you knew these things you didn't know before reading this message! :-)

Posted by: tuffgirl Sep 24 2005, 02:28 AM

A truck pulls up to a stop sign and begins to slow down, but doesn't stop. He then sees blue lights pulling him over.
When the cop comes to the window he asked why the driver didn't stop.

The driver responds I slowed down and didn't see anyone.

The officer then begins slapping the driver across the face.

The driver says WHAT ARE YOU DOING..

The cop replies "Do you want me to stop or slow down?"

Posted by: RavenX Sep 30 2005, 06:03 AM

a classic one...
why do the chicken cross the road?
to get to the other side
:zid:

Posted by: nicky Oct 10 2005, 06:12 PM

PRISON vs WORK

PRISON: you spend the majority of your time in an 8X10 cell.
AT WORK: you spend the majority of your time in a 6X8 cubicle.

IN PRISON: you get three meals a day.
AT WORK: you only get a break for one meal and you pay for it.

IN PRISON: you get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK: you get more work for good behavior.

IN PRISON: the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK: you must carry around a security card and open all the doors for yourself.

IN PRISON: you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK: you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

IN PRISON: you get your own toilet.
AT WORK: you have to share with some idiot who pees on the seat.

IN PRISON: they allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK: you can't even speak to your family.

IN PRISON: the taxpayers pay all expenses with no work required.
AT WORK: you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

IN PRISON: you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out.
AT WORK: you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.

IN PRISON: you must deal with sadistic wardens.
AT WORK: they are called managers.

Posted by: nicky Oct 10 2005, 06:13 PM

WHY GOD CREATED CHILDREN (AND IN THE PROCESS GRANDCHILDREN)



To those of us who have children in our lives, whether they are our own, grandchildren, nieces, nephews, or students...here is something to make you chuckle. Whenever your children are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to His own children After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing he said was "DON'T!"



"Don't what?" Adam replied.



"Don't eat the forbidden fruit." God said.



"Forbidden fruit? We have forbidden fruit? Hey Eve..we have forbidden fruit!!!!!"



"No Way!"



"Yes way!"



"Do NOT eat the fruit!" said God.



"Why"



"Because I am your Father and I said so!" God replied, wondering why He hadn't stopped creation after making the elephants. A few minutes later, God saw His children having an apple break and He was ticked! "Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit?" God asked.



"Uh huh," Adam replied.



"Then why did you?" said the Father.



"I don't know," said Eve.



"She started it!" Adam said



"Did not!"



"Did too!"



"DID NOT!"



Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own. Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed.





BUT THERE IS REASSURANCE IN THE STORY! If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give children wisdom and they haven't taken it, don't be hard on yourself. If God had trouble raising children, what makes you think it would be a piece of cake for you?



THINGS TO THINK ABOUT!
1. You spend the first two years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next sixteen telling them to sit down and shut up.



2. Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your own children.



3. Mothers of teens now know why some animals eat their young.



4. Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.



5. The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own.



6. We childproofed our homes, but they are still getting in.





ADVICE FOR THE DAY: Be nice to your kids. They will choose your nursing home one day.



AND FINALLY:

IF YOU HAVE A LOT OF TENSION AND YOU GET A HEADACHE, DO WHAT IT SAYS ON THE ASPIRIN BOTTLE:

"TAKE TWO ASPIRIN" AND "KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN"!!!!

Posted by: nicky Oct 16 2005, 11:50 PM

Fifteen days ago I read that smoking can kill you.
The next day I stopped smoking.

Twelve days ago I read that too much red meat can kill you. The next day I stopped eating red meat..

Eight days ago I read that drinking can kill you.

The next day I stopped drinking.

Yesterday I read that having sex can kill you.

This morning I stopped reading.

Posted by: Shewanna Oct 17 2005, 07:30 PM

Here's a sick one :ranjet:

Michael Jackson and his wife are in the recovery room with their new baby son.

The doctor walks in and Michael asks: "Doctor, how long before we can have sex?"

The doctor replies, "I'd wait until he's at least 14.

Posted by: mishulina Oct 17 2005, 07:48 PM

Cool differences & more...

What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife? 45lbs
What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? 45 min.

What is it when a man talks nasty to a woman? Sexual Harassment
What is it when a woman talks nasty to a man? $3.99 a min.

How can you tell if your wife is dead?
The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.

How can you tell if your husband is dead?
The sex is the same, but you get the remote.

What's a blonde's favorite nursery rhyme?
Humpme Dumpme.

What's it called when a woman is paralyzed from the waist down?
Marriage.

How many men does it take to change a light bulb?
None, they just sit there in the dark and complain.

What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp implement.

What have men and floor tiles got in common?
If you lay them properly the first time you can walk all over them
for life.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.

What is a man's view of safe sex?
A padded headboard.

How do men sort their laundry?
"Filthy" and "Filthy but Wearable"

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of
driving.

What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.

Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?
The guy who can have a cup of coffee in each hand and still carry a
dozen doughnuts.

Who is the most popular woman at a nudist colony?
The woman who ate the last doughnut.

What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.

A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third grade. Who has
the biggest breasts?
The blonde, because she's 18.

Do you know the punishment for bigamy?
Two mothers-in-law...smile.gif

Posted by: Sweety Nov 13 2005, 07:39 AM

What's green, fuzzy, has 4 legs, and, if it falls out of a tree, can kill you?
......

A pool table.

Posted by: satine Nov 24 2005, 03:00 PM

What do George Bush's wife and the American flag have in common?
They both go down in the name of the president.

Posted by: Sweety Nov 24 2005, 08:29 PM

(satine)
What do George Bush's wife and the American flag have in common?
They both go down in the name of the president.


doohhhh

Posted by: Sweety Dec 3 2005, 07:32 AM

Guts or Balls


We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know
the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the
definition for each is listed below....

GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being
assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are
you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"

BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of
perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass
and having the balls to say: "You're next."

I hope this clears up any confusion on the subject.

Posted by: Sweety Dec 6 2005, 10:33 AM

WOMAN: What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?
MAN: Definitely not!
WOMAN: Why not - don't you like being married?
MAN: Of course I do.
WOMAN: Then why wouldn't you remarry?
MAN: Okay, I'd get married again.
WOMAN: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)
MAN: (makes audible groan)
WOMAN: Would you sleep with her in our bed?
MAN: Where else would we sleep?
WOMAN: Would you replace my pictures with hers?
MAN: That would seem like the proper thing to do.
WOMAN: Would she use my golf clubs?
MAN: No, she's left-handed.
WOMAN: - - - silence - - -
MAN: Shit.

Posted by: tudoriona Dec 11 2005, 03:29 PM

Johnny was walking on the street.
His head was empty.
His heart was broken.
His will was missing.
But the worst thing was that ...
... his money were with Teddy !!!
\\----------------
Today, Johnny is happy.
His head is no longer empty.
His heart is no longer broken.
His will....
But especially, his wife is with Teddy !!

Posted by: mary_just_me Feb 6 2006, 01:50 PM

verry funny jokes gang :wink:
now i should add some
hopefully u haven't read them somewhere else :smoke:
:strumf:

Posted by: mary_just_me Feb 6 2006, 01:52 PM

One evening, husband and wife are returning from a wedding ceremony.
Stepping up the stairs behind his wife the man tells to his wife:
- ? My darling you have such a big butt like a washing machine??
- wife has no reply?.
Later on, they supposed to get into bed the man feels like he would like a sex shoot, he?s asking his wife for..
The wife upset replies to his hubby:
- ?For such a tiny cloth I won?t turn on the washing machine, you can wash it by hand!?

Posted by: mary_just_me Feb 6 2006, 01:53 PM

Grandma's birth control pills

The doctor that had been seeing an 80-year-old woman for most of her lifefinally retired. At her next checkup, the new doctor told her to bring a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her.
As the young doctor was looking through these, his eyes grew wide as he realized she had a prescription for birth control pills.
"Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are BIRTH CONTROL pills?
"Yes, they help me sleep at night."
"Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely NOTHING in these that could possibly help you sleep!"
She reached out and patted the young Doctor's knee.
"Yes, dear, I know that. But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16 year old granddaughter drinks..........
And believe me, it helps me sleep at night."

You gotta like Grandmas.
Should children witness childbirth?

laugh.gif laugh.gif laugh.gif

Posted by: mary_just_me Feb 6 2006, 01:55 PM

Should children witness childbirth?

This is one of the funniest!

Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call.
The house was very, very dark, so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a
3-year-old girl, to hold a flashlight
high over her Mommy so he
could see while he helped deliver the baby. Very diligently, Kathleen
did as she was asked. Heidi pushed and pushed, and after a little while
Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked
him on his bottom.
Connor began to cry. The paramedic then thanked Kathleen
for her help and asked the
wide-eyed 3-year old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.
Kathleen quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first
place......... smack his butt again"
:roll2: :okay:

Posted by: mary_just_me Feb 6 2006, 01:59 PM

:coolspeak:
. A trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his order.
>He said, "I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights, and a pair of
>running boards."
>
>The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the
>kitchen and said to the cook, "This guy out there just ordered three flat
>tires, a pair of headlights, and a pair of running boards. What does he
>think this is, an auto parts store?"
>
>"No," the cook said. "Three flat tires mean three pancakes, a pair of
>headlights is two eggs sunny side up, and running boards are 2 slices
>of crisp bacon?"
>
>"Oh, OK!" said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment and then
>spooned up
>a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer.
>
>The trucker asked, "What are the beans for Blondie?"
>
>She replied, "I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires,
>headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up!"
>
>FOR ONCE THE BLONDE GETS EVEN!!!!

Posted by: mary_just_me Feb 6 2006, 02:01 PM

From: ACTUAL AUSTRALIAN COURT DOCKET 12659 -- CASE OF THE PREGNANT LADY

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man
opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This
time the smile turned into a

grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more
amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained
to the driver, and he had the man arrested.

The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself. The man replied,
"Well your Honor, it was like this:
When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her
condition. She sat down under a sign that said, 'The Double Mint Twins are coming,' and I grinned."
"Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, 'Logan's Liniment will
reduce the swelling', and I had to smile."
"Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, 'William's
Big Stick did the trick,' and I could hardly contain myself."

"BUT, your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, 'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this accident'... I just lost it."


"CASE DISMISSED!!"
laugh.gif laugh.gif laugh.gif laugh.gif laugh.gif

Posted by: mary_just_me Feb 16 2006, 02:26 PM

PANCAKES
Six-year-old Brandon decided one Saturday morning to fix his parents pancakes. He found a big bowl and spoon, pulled a chair to the counter, opened the cupboard and pulled out the heavy flour canister, spilling it on the floor.
He scooped some of the flour into the bowl with his hands, mixed in most of a cup of milk and added some sugar, leaving a floury trail on the floor which by now had a few tracks left by his kitten.
Brandon was covered with flour and getting frustrated. He wanted this to be something very good for Mom and Dad, but it was getting very bad.
He didn't know what to do next, whether to put it all into the oven or on the stove and he didn't know how the stove worked! Suddenly he saw his kitten licking from the bowl of mix and reached to push her away, knocking the egg carton to the floor. Frantically he tried to clean up this monumental
mess but slipped on the eggs, getting his pajamas white and sticky.
And just then he saw Dad standing at the door. Big crocodile tears welled up in Brandon's eyes All he'd wanted to do was something good, but he'd made a terrible mess He was sure a scolding was coming, maybe even a spanking.
But his father just watched him.
Then, walking through the mess, he picked up his crying son, hugged him and loved him, getting his own pajamas white and sticky in the process!
That's how God deals with us. We try to do something good in life, but it turns into a mess. Our marriage gets all sticky or we insult a friend, or we can't stand our job, or our health goes sour.
Sometimes we just stand there in tears because we can't think of anything else to do. That's when God picks us up and loves us and forgives us, even though some of our mess gets all over Him.
But just because we might mess up, we can't stop! trying to "make pancakes" for God or for others. Sooner or later we'll get it right, and then they'll be glad we tried...
I was thinking. .. and I wondered if I had any wounds needing to be healed, friendships that need rekindling or three words needing to be said, sometimes, "I love you" can heal & bless! Remind every one of your friends that you love them. Even if you think they don't love back, you would be amazed at
what those three little words, a smile, and a reminder likes this can do.

Posted by: tuffgirl Feb 24 2006, 04:11 AM

there was a mom skunk and a mom duck and they both had a baby.
the two mothers get ran over and killed. then the baby duck starts to cry, the baby skunk goes over to him and asks him, "what?s wrong?"the duck
said,??i don?t know what animal i am.??well,??said the skunk,??you have an
orange bill,lellow feathers, and webbed feet,sooo,your a duck.??then out of
nowhere the skunk starts to cry.??what?s the matter??said the duck.??i don?t know what animal i am.?? the duck then says??well, you are half white,
half black, and you smell like chit,soooo you are a mexican. tongue.gif

Posted by: tuffgirl Feb 24 2006, 04:14 AM

Doctor says to a guy, "I have bad news, and worse news".

Guy says, "What's the bad news."

"You have AIDS."

"Oh, crap. WTH is the worse news??!!"

"You have Alzheimer's."

"Thank God! I thought you were going to tell me I had AIDS."

Posted by: tuffgirl Feb 24 2006, 04:17 AM

A well dressed lawyer went into a bar for a martini and found himself beside a scrungy-looking drunk who kept mumbling and studying something in his hand. The attorney leaned closer while the drunk held the tiny object up to the light, slurring "Well, it looks like plastic." Then he rolled it between his fingers, adding "But it feels like rubber."

Curious, the lawyer asked, "What do you have there mister?"

The drunk stammered,"Damn if I know, but it looks like plastic and feels like rubber."

The lawyer said "Let me take a look" and the drunk handed it over. The attorney rolled it between his thumb and fingers, then examined it closely. "Yeah, it does look like plastic and feel like rubber, but I don't know what it is. Where did you get it anyway?"

The drunk replied "Outa my nose."

Posted by: tuffgirl Feb 24 2006, 04:19 AM

Two high-school buddies were attending the senior prom. "Suzy wants to go out to my car. She's really hot," one boy said. "I'm really nervous. I know I'll goof up!"

"Take it easy," his friend assured him. "All you gotta do is compliment her. Chicks love to be complemented. You'll have her in the palm of your hand."

About a half-hour later the young man came back, rubbing a black eye.

"Dang, man! What happened to you?!" his buddy asked.

"I took your advice."

"Didn't you compliment her?"

"Sure I did. We got in my car and started kissing. I told her that for such full lips, hers sure tasted sweet. She liked that. After a while I started feeling her tits, and I told her that for such large breasts they sure were firm. She liked that too."

"It sounds like you were doing great," his friend said. "Well," the other answered, "that's when everything went wrong. I got her dress up and her panties off, and I tried to think of another compliment."

"What did you say?"

"For such a large crack, it really doesn't stink much."
laugh.gif

Posted by: tuffgirl Feb 24 2006, 04:22 AM

The Pope, really upset over all the scandels involving Preists and sex has finally had it. He called some of the Cardinals into his office and tells them to call all the Preists and have them come to the vadican for a meeting and a test to see who has problems.
A couple of weeks go by and finally all the Peists arrive at the Vadican for the test. The Pope orders the Cardinals to call the Preists in 10 at a time and they will be tested and anyone who fails the test will be removed from the preist hood.
The first 10 Preists come into the room and the Pope has them all strip naked and tie a bell to their penis. He then says during the test if anyone gets arroused the bell will ring and they will fail the test.
The first part of the test begins, the Pope has a Cardinal bring in a huge stack of porno magazines and hands them out to the Preists, he listens closely for any bells and hears none, "nery good, you have passed the first test, now onto #2."
Next the Pope opens a door to the room and a group of lovely well endowed women come running into the room naked, jumping and kissing on each other, agin the pope listens closely and sure enough he hears a bell ring. "Father John" the Pope yells, "you must get your clothes and leave!!"
As the father bends down to pick up his clothes he turns his back to the other Preist in shame and as he bends to pick his clothes up the remaining 9 bells begin to ring.

:shock: laugh.gif

Posted by: tuffgirl Feb 24 2006, 04:26 AM

Guy walk into a bar and slaps this fancy looking mug down that says on it in bold letters Free beer for life! well the fellow next to him is like WTF?

so he ask the bartender,"How the hell can I get a mug like that?"

well the bartender says, Well you got to do three things. First you got to knock that guy in the corner out with one punch, you have to screw that ugly bitch at the table, and you gotta pull two teeth from old mean mutt who is outback."

Guys says "thats easy!"

bartender relpys, "well not so fast the guy is a former pro boxer, the ugly bitch is a lesbo, and the dog is a real bear killer who will kill you quicker then scratching his fleas."

Guy jumps up runs over and knockes the guy out with one mightly punch, runs out back and all you hear is yelling, howling, and trash cans banging everywhere.

Guy runs back in and says, " Wheres is the ugly bitch who needs two teeth pulled!"

Posted by: tuffgirl Feb 24 2006, 04:28 AM

about these 2 guys...Fred and Tyrome. fred is white and tyrome is black. well they'd been riding to work together for like 8 years and Fred always had a smile on his face, so Tyrome asked why.

Fred said because I make love to my wife every morning before i come to work. Tyrome asked how he did that, Fred said he told her a poem. Tyrome asked what it was so he could try it,

so Fred said...
blonde hair blonde hair,
blue eyed blue.
o how i wish to make sweet luv with you!

so they went home and the next day Tyrome came 2 work all bruised and limpin, so Fred asked what happened, if he told his wife the poem. Tyrome said yeh, but my wife dosen't have blonde hair and blue eyes so i made a new 1...
i said...
nappy hair, nappy hair,
eyes like a frog, roll your fat self over
and i'll hump u like a dog!

:oops: laugh.gif

Posted by: mary_just_me Feb 24 2006, 08:03 AM

funnz jokes Tuff :roll2: :selemb:

Posted by: nicky Feb 25 2006, 06:19 AM

Oh my god ! I m dieing here laughing ! laugh.gif laugh.gif laugh.gif

Posted by: Infinity Mar 9 2006, 09:21 PM

Ten Reasons Why You Should Date a Geek

1. Geeks are useful, they can fix your desktop, laptop? Those skills are very useful and can make your life run smooth.
2. They are romantic than they?re given credit for. Their idea of romance might be making up a web-page abut about you. But hey it lasts longer than flowers and you can show your friends.
3. They?ve got brains and they?re usually very well educated.
4. They?re relatively low-maintenance. So there will be no complicated dinners needed. And if you?re not the best cook, you can order a pizza.
5. You won?t have to worry about what he?s doing. You?ll probably find him at his computer.
6. They trust you, so you can be yourself around them. You like to walk around the house in a ratty t-shirt for comfort? He won?t care. They won?t get pissy if you don?t wear make-up or don?t want to bother primping your hair.
7. He will make you shine everywhere you go. No matter how clumsy you sense of style, no matter how awkward your social skills, you?ll be a fashion star and a classy diplomat next to your geek. He?ll make you look so good; you?ll fall in love with yourself.
8. If you are not into computers, TVs and DVD and you don?t care about being popular and fashionable. What about the newest techie gadgets? You are going to be a proud owner of the latest gadgets if you ever decide to date a geek.
9. He won?t cheat on you either. Place the sexiest woman on earth in a room with a geek, say Angelina Jolie. At the other corner of the room, place the latest model of some computer or other. I am willing to bet that your geek would want to play with that computer much more than getting to know Angelina Jolie. In fact, he might not even see her if the computer is on and connected to the Internet. C?mmon he has to check his email, surf the web and blog about the fact that he is in a room with Angelina Jolie.
10. The final reason is: They actually give a damn about you. Not how you look (though that?s a plus), not how skinny you are, not how much make-up you primp yourself up with, but they like you for you.

Posted by: tuffgirl Mar 21 2006, 06:18 AM

Three kids are in school... A white, a black, and a Hispanic kid. The teacher tells them to make a sentence with the words liver and cheese.
White kid says: "My mom made me a liver and cheese sandwich and it was sooo good."
Black kid says: "My daddy told my momma to go get the Government cheese and she didn't, so my daddy punched her in the liver."
Latino kid says: "Some kids were trying to look under my sister's dress and I told them, "Hey!!! Liver alone, cheese my sister!"

Posted by: mary_just_me Mar 21 2006, 10:28 AM

laugh.gif laugh.gif laugh.gif laugh.gif too funny Tuff

Posted by: Sweety Mar 22 2006, 09:45 AM

so only white guy answer ok , i like the LIVER tongue.gif

Posted by: tuffgirl Apr 5 2006, 12:27 AM

One day, at a bus stop there was a girl who was wearing a skintight miniskirt. When the bus arrived and it was her turn to get on, she realized that her skirt was so tight she couldn't get her foot high enough to reach to step.
Thinking it would give her enough slack to raise her leg, she reached back and unzipped her skirt a little. She still could not reach the step. Embarrassed, she reached back once again to unzip it a little more. Still, she couldn't reach the step.

So, with her skirt zipper halfway down, she reached back and unzipped her skirt all the way. Thinking that she could get on the step now, she lifted up her leg only to realize that she still couldn't reach the step.

So, seeing how embarrassed the girl was, the man standing behind her put his hands around her waist and lifted her up on to the first step of the bus. The girl turned around furiously and said, "How dare you touch my body that way, I don't even know you!"

Shocked, the man says, "Well, ma'am, after you reached around and unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we were friends."

Posted by: tuffgirl Apr 5 2006, 12:28 AM

A young couple on their wedding night were in their honeymoon suite.
As they were undressing for bed, the husband, a big burly man, tossed his trousers to his new bride. He said, "Here, put these on."

She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body.

"I can't wear your trousers." she said.

"That's right,'' said the husband, "and don't you ever forget it. I'm the man who wears the pants in this family."

With that she flipped him her panties and said, "Try these on."

He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps.

"Hell," he said. ''I can't get into your panties!"

She replied, "That's right...and that's the way it is going to stay until your attitude changes."

Posted by: tuffgirl Apr 15 2006, 07:03 AM

A guy was sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife walked up behind him and whacked him on the head with a frying pan.

?What the hell was that for?? he asked.

?That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Mary Lou written on it,? she replied.

?But you don?t understand,? he pleaded. ?Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Mary Lou was the name of one of the horses I bet on.?

?Oh honey, I?m sorry,? she said. ?I should have known there was a good explanation.?

Three days later he was watching a ball game on TV when she walked up and hit him in the head again, this time with the iron skillet, which knocked him out cold. When he came to, he asked, ?What was that for?? he begged.

?Your horse called!?

Posted by: tuffgirl Apr 15 2006, 07:05 AM

A man dies and goes straight to Hell. The devil greets him and immediately makes him face a big decision: "You may choose which room you wish to enter. Whichever room you choose, the person in that room will switch with you. They'll finally go to heaven after years of waiting and you'll take over until somebody switches with you. So go on, pick a room."

The devil leads him to the first room where someone is tied to a wall and is being whipped over and over again. In the second room is a man strapped to a table being subjected to Chinese water torture. Finally, in the third room is a man sitting in a chair while being pleasured by a beautiful woman.

"I choose this room!" the man says.

"Very well," the devil says. He walks up to the woman and taps her on the shoulder.

"You can go now. I've found you're replacement."

Posted by: tuffgirl Apr 15 2006, 07:10 AM

A man and his wife are at the zoo. As they walk through the ape exhibit, they pass in front of a very large, hairy gorilla. Noticing her, the gorilla starts bouncing around his cage. He jumps up on the bars and, holding on with one hand, grunts and pounds his chest.

The husband, finding this funny, suggests that his wife tease the poor primate. The husband suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom at him, and play along. She does, and the gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would raise the dead. Then, the husband suggests that she let one of the straps to her dress fall to show a bit more skin.

She does and Mr. Gorilla nearly tears the bars down. ?Now, lift your dress up to your thighs and sort of fan it at him,? says the man. She does, driving the gorilla absolutely crazy to the point at which he starts doing flips.

Then, the husband grabs his wife, throws open the door to the cage, slings her in with the gorilla and slams the cage door shut.

?Now tell HIM you have a headache.?

Posted by: tuffgirl Apr 15 2006, 07:36 AM

Racist Airlines is flying at 20,000' when one of the engines fails. To stay aloft the pilot decides that they must jettison weight. After all the luggage is jettisoned the plane continues to lose altitude. They decide it's time to jettison passengers in order for a few to lose their lives to save the rest.

The pilot declares that the only fair way to jettison passengers is alphabetically. He comes on the intercom and announces, "All 'A'frican Americans" must just without a parachute to lighten the load.

A small child flying with his father looked and said, "Dad, that's us!" The father replied, "No son, not today."

As the plane continues it's downward death spiral to earth the Captain of Racist Airlines again comes on the loudspeaker. "All 'B'lacks must exit the airplane now."

Again, the small child looks at his father anxiously and states, "Dad, that's us!" The father replied, "No son, not today."

Although the altitude loss rate has slowed, the plane is still too heavy to continue flying. The Captain again comes on, "All 'C'olored people must exit the plane."

Once again, the child looks at his dad and states, "Dad, that's us!" The father replied, "No son, not today. Today we are Ni**ers!"

Posted by: tuffgirl Apr 15 2006, 07:37 AM

How do crazy people go through the forest?
They take the psycho path.

What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic?
Sanka.

"Waiter! This coffee tastes like mud."
"Yes sir," came the reply, "it's fresh ground."

How does Michael Jackson pick his nose?
He looks through a catalog in the plastic surgeon's office.

How can you recognize a burned-out hippie?
He used to take acid, now he takes antacid.

What has three teeth and sixty feet?
The front row at a Willy Nelson concert.

What is the new O.J. web site address?
slash.slash.backslash.escape

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.

Do you know how you can spot Ronald McDonald on the beach?
He is the only one with sesame seed buns.

What do you call a musician without a girlfriend?
Homeless.

Have you heard of the new Ken Doll. It's called the "Child Support Ken"?
It can't be found.

What do you call a funeral where you smell your own flowers?
A wedding.

How do you get five hundred cows in a barn?
Put up a "Bingo" sign.

What does a bulimic have for dessert?
Two fingers.

What is the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?
One is made of plastic and is dangerous for children to play with....the
other is used to carry groceries.

Have you heard about the new sub sandwich being sold at a national food
chain?
It's called the O.J. It's full of bologna, tough to swallow and the stupid
people are still buying it!

What's six inches long, two inches wide, and drives women wild?
Money.

Two men are approaching each other on a sidewalk. Both are dragging their
right foot as the walk. As they meet, one man looks at the other knowingly,
points at his foot and says, "Vietnam, 1969."

The other hooks his thumb behind him says, "Dog ****, 20 feet back."

One day there were three people. Their names were Manners, Trouble and Shut
up. One day they were playing hide and seek. Manners got a tummy ache so he
went to the toilet. Trouble was hiding. Shut up was finding Trouble when he
met a policeman.

The policeman said, "What is your name?"
"Shut up!"
The policeman replied, "Are you looking for trouble?"
"Yes!"
The policeman fumed, "Where are your manners?"
"In the toilet."

Fu, Bu and Chu immigrated to the USA from China. They decided to become
American citizens, and "Americanize" their names.
Bu, called himself "Buck"
Chu called himself "Chuck"
Fu decided to return to China.

A journalist had done a story on gender roles in Kuwait several years before
the Gulf War, and she noted then that women customarily walked about 10 feet
behind their husbands. She returned to Kuwait recently and observed that the
men now walked several yards behind their wives.

She approached one of the women for an explanation. "This is marvelous,"
said the journalist. "What enabled women here to achieve this reversal of
roles?"

Replied the Kuwaiti woman: "Land mines."

Posted by: tuffgirl Apr 15 2006, 08:22 AM

A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day there he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection.

The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, "Did you call for me?"

The man replies "No. What do you mean?"

"You must be new here," she says. "Let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection it implies you called for me." Smiling, she then leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.

Finished, the man continues to explore the colony's facilities. He enters the sauna and as he sits down, he farts.

Within minutes a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam room toward him. "Did you call for me?" says the hairy man.

"No. What do you mean?" says the newcomer.

"You must be new," says the hairy man. "It's a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me." The huge man easily spins the newcomer around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him.

The newcomer staggers back to the nudist colony office, where he is greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist. "May I help you?" she says.

"Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the $500 membership fee."

"But sir," she replies, "you've only been here for a few hours. You haven't had the chance to see all our facilities."

"Listen lady," the man replies, "I'm 68 years old. I get an erection once a month, but I fart 15 times a day! I'm outta here!"

Posted by: tuffgirl Apr 21 2006, 01:08 AM

There was an old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish confessing to adultery.
One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "If I hear one more person confess to adultery, Ill quit!"

Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say instead that they had fallen.

This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well until the priest passed away at a ripe old age.

A few days after the new priest arrived, he visited the mayor of the town and seemed very concerned.

"Mayor, you have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep telling me theyve fallen."

The mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had told the new priest about the code word. But, before he could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at him and shouted, "I dont know what youre laughing about, because your wife has fallen three times this week!"

Posted by: tuffgirl Apr 21 2006, 01:41 AM

Aquarius (Jan 23 - Feb 22) - You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. You lie a great deal. You make the same mistakes repeatedly because you are stupid. Everyone thinks you are a fucking jerk.

Pisces (Feb 23 - Mar 22) - You are a pioneer type and think most people are dickheads. You are quick to reprimand, impatient, and full of advice. You do nothing but piss-off everyone you come in contact with. You are a prick.

Aries (Mar 23 - April 22) - You have a wild imagination and often think you are being followed by the FBI or CIA. You have minor influence on your friends and people resent you for flaunting your power. You lack confidence and are a general dipshit.

Taurus (April 23 - May 22) - You are practical and persistent. You have a dogged determination and work like hell. Most people think you are stubborn and bullheaded. You are nothing but a goddamned communist.

Gemini (May 23 - June 22) - You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you because you are bisexual. You are inclined to expect too much for too little. This means you are a cheap bastard. Geminis are notorious for thriving on incest.

Cancer (June 23 - July 22) - You are sympathetic and understanding of other peoples problems, which makes you a sucker. You are always putting things off. That is why you will always be on welfare and wont be worth a shit. Everyone in prison is a Cancer.

Leo (July 23 - Aug 22) - You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are an idiot. Most Leos are bullies. You are vain and cannot tolerate criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo people are thieving motherfuckers and enjoy masturbation more than sex.

Virgo (Aug 23 - Sept 22) - You are the logical type and hate disorder. Your shit-picking attitude is sickening to your friends and co-workers. You are cold and unemotional and often fall asleep while fucking. Virgos make good bus drivers and pimps.

Libra (Sept 23 - Oct 22) - You are the artistic type and have a difficult time dealing with reality. Chances for employment and monetary gain are nil. Most Libra women are whores. All Libras die of venereal disease.

Scorpio (Oct 23 - Nov 22) - You are the worst of the lot. You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You shall achieve the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics. You are the perfect son-of-a-bitch. Most Scorpios are murdered.

Sagittarius (Nov 23 - Dec 22) - You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless tendency to rely on your luck since you have no talent. You are a worthless piece of shit.

Capricorn (Dec 23 - Jan 22) - You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You are basically chickenshit. There has never been a Capricorn of any importance.

.... i am Taurus :roll: laugh.gif laugh.gif laugh.gif

Posted by: tuffgirl Apr 21 2006, 01:48 AM

A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop & her son saying, "All of you bastards who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you bastards who are getting on, get your ass in the train, cause were going down the tracks."

The horrified mother went in & told her son, "We dont use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room & stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out,you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom & resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped & the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for travelling with us today & hope your trip was a pleasant one." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today." As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the fat bitch in the kitchen."

Posted by: tuffgirl Apr 21 2006, 02:14 AM

FINE

This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to shut up. Never use fine to describe how a woman looks this will cause you to have one of those arguments.

FIVE MINUTES

This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so its an even trade.

NOTHING

This means something, and you should be on your toes. Nothing is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. Nothing usually signifies an
argument that will last Five Minutes and end with Fine.

GO AHEAD (With Raised Eyebrows)

This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over Nothing and will end with the word Fine.

GO AHEAD (Normal Eyebrows)

This means I give up or do what you want because I dont care You will get a Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead in just a few minutes, followed by Nothing and Fine and she will talk to you in about Five Minutes when she cools off.

LOUD SIGH

This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A Loud Sigh means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over Nothing.

SOFT SIGH

Again, not a word, but a non-verbal statement. Soft Sighs mean that she is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and she will stay content.

THATS OKAY

This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. Thats Okay means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you back for whatever it is that you have done. Thats Okay is often used with the word Fine and in conjunction with a Raised Eyebrow.

GO AHEAD.

At some point in the near future, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.

PLEASE DO

This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance with the truth, so be careful
and you shouldnt get a Thats Okay.

THANKS

A woman is thanking you. Do not faint. Just say youre welcome.

THANKS A LOT

This is much different from Thanks. A woman will say, Thanks A Lot when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have offended her in some callous way, and will be followed by the Loud Sigh. Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the Loud Sigh, as she will only tell you Nothing.

Posted by: tuffgirl Apr 21 2006, 03:21 AM

Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly. The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Daryl and Gomer. The three men had always done everything together.
Daryl arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet, Daryl said, Yup, his face is burnt up pretty bad. You better roll him over.

The mortician rolled him over, and Daryl said, Nope, aint Bubba.

The mortician thought that was rather strange. Then he brought Gomer in to identify the body. Gomer took a look at the body and said, Yup, hes pretty well burnt up. Roll him over.

The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, No, it aint Bubba.

The mortician asked, How can you tell?

Gomer said, Well, Bubba had two assholes.

What? He had two assholes? said the mortician.

Yup, everyone knew he had two assholes. Every time we went to town, folks would say, Here comes Bubba with them two assholes.

Posted by: Sweety Apr 21 2006, 06:29 AM

coool horoscope biggrin.gif , and i like that one with the kid too

Posted by: tuffgirl May 27 2006, 11:22 PM

This is so true! They always ask at the doctor's office why you are there, and you say in front of others what's wrong and sometimes it's embarrassing. There's nothing worse than a doctor's receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients. I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it. An 86-year-old man walked into a crowded doctor's waiting room. As he approached the desk, the receptionist said,
- Yes sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?
-There's something wrong with my dick, he replied. The receptionist became irritated and said,
-You shouldn't come into a crowded doctor's room and say things like that.
-Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you, he said. The receptionist replied,
-You've! obviously caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and then discussed the problem further with the doctor in private. The man replied,
-You shouldn't ask people things in a room full of others if the answer could embarrass anyone. The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered. The receptionist smiled smugly and asked,
-Yes?
-There's something wrong with my ear, he stated. The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.
-And what is wrong with your ear, sir?
-I can't pee out of it, the man replied.
The waiting room erupted in laughter.

Posted by: tuffgirl May 27 2006, 11:25 PM

A woman calls her boss one morning and tells him that she is staying home because she is not feeling well.
-What's the matter? he asks
-I have a case of anal glaucoma, she says in a weak voice.
-What the hell is anal glaucoma?
-I can't see my ass coming into work today

Posted by: tuffgirl May 27 2006, 11:30 PM

An airline's passenger cabin was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served them food and drinks. As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and announced to the passengers,
-Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super. On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed a well-dressed rather exotic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. -Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines. I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground. She calmly turned her head and said,
-In my country, I am called a Princess. I take orders from no one! To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat,
-Well, sweet- cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray-up, Bitch!

Posted by: Sweety Jun 13 2006, 10:51 AM

Q why do midgets laugh while playing soccer?
A because the grass tickles their balls laugh.gif laugh.gif laugh.gif


Doctor to his lady patient: You look terribly weak and exhausted! Are you having your meals three times a day as I advised?
Lady: Doctor, I thought you said three males a day.

Posted by: Sweety Jun 13 2006, 10:52 AM

-heello, iss tthhatt thhee sshhoop iii boouugghht thhee vviibbrrattorr ffrroomm.
-yes!
-ccaann yyoouu tteell mmee hhooww ttoo ttuurrnn tthhee ffuucckkiinngg tthhiinngg ooffff.

Posted by: Sweety Jun 30 2006, 09:03 AM

Three drunks are standing on top of the Empire State Building.
The first one says to the other two, "You know, it's a funny thing about these wind currents. A person could jump off of this building right now and not even hit the ground; the wind would carry him right back up to the top of the building!"

The second drunk says, "You're crazy!"

The first drunk says, "I'm serious! Watch!" The first drunk jumps off of the building, and the wind carries him right back up to the top!

The second drunk says, "Let me try!"
So the second drunk leaps off of the building and promptly falls to the street below, landing with a hideous SPLAT!

The first drunk smiles, clearly amused. The third drunk looks at him and says, "You know, Superman, you can be a real Jerk When you're drunk!"

Posted by: Sweety Oct 6 2006, 12:52 PM

Girl and boy are in park.GIrl say,my arm is hurt.So boy kiss her arm.GIrl say,my neck is hurting me.So boy kiss her at neck.All that watch old man,and
he say"hey boy,do you maybe cure hemorrhoids"

Posted by: Sweety Oct 6 2006, 12:52 PM

I was at the mall the other day eating at the food court, when I noticed an old man watching a teenager sitting next to him.

The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue.

The old man kept staring at him.

The teenager would look and find the old man staring every time.

When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, "What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?

The old man didn't bat an eye in his response, "Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son."

Posted by: tuffgirl Nov 2 2006, 12:26 AM

10 Worst Company Domains


Everyone knows that if you are going to operate a business in today?s world you need a domain name. It is advisable to look at the domain name selected as other see it and not just as you think it looks. Failure to do this may result in situations such as the following (legitimate) companies who deal in everyday humdrum products and services but clearly didn?t give their domain names enough consideration:

1. A site called ?Who Represents? where you can find the name of the agent that represents a celebrity. Their domain name? wait for it? is www.whorepresents.com

2. Experts Exchange, a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views at www.expertsexchange.com

3. Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island at www.penisland.net

4. Need a therapist? Try Therapist Finder at www.therapistfinder.com

5. Then of course, there?s the Italian Power Generator company? www.powergenitalia.com

6. And now, we have the Mole Station Native Nursery, based in New South Wales: www.molestationnursery.com

7. If you?re looking for computer software, there?s always www.ipanywhere.com

8. Welcome to the First Cumming Methodist Church. Their website is www.cummingfirst.com

9. Then, of course, there?s these brainless art designers, and their whacky website: www.speedofart.com

10. Want to holiday in Lake Tahoe? Try their brochure website at www.gotahoe.com

Posted by: tuffgirl Nov 12 2006, 12:43 AM

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other of the afterlife. After many years, the husband was the first to go, and true to his word, he made contact with his wife in a dream.

"Mary... Mary..." he called.

"Is that you, Fred?" she asked.

"Yes," he said. "I've come back like we agreed."

"What's it like?" Mary asked.

"Well, I get up in the morning. I have sex. I have breakfast. I run around the golf course. I have sex. I bathe in the sun, and then I have sex twice. I have lunch, another romp around the golf course, then sex pretty much all afternoon. After supper, golf course again, and sex again," he said.

"Oh Fred, you surely must be in heaven!" Mary exclaimed.

"Not exactly," Fred said. "I'm a rabbit on a golf course in Arizona."

Posted by: tuffgirl Nov 12 2006, 12:47 AM

Peter is relaxing after work one day in a bar on the top floor of a New York skyscraper. While he's sipping his drink, another man approaches him. He looks like an average guy; suit, tie, glasses, and he's pretty drunk.

"Hey," says the guy. "I'll give you fifty dollars to jump out that window and jump back in." The man points to an open window not far off.

Peter looks at the man like he's crazy. "No thanks, I think I'll just sit and enjoy my drink." The man shrugs and wanders off.

About 30 minutes later, the man returns. Now he's even more drunk; his tie has been loosened, his hat is gone, and he's starting to slur. "Hey," he says. "I'll give you...five hunnert dollars to jump out that window and jump back in."

Now Peter is getting irritated. "No, please leave me alone." The man shrugs and wanders off again.

Twenty minutes later, the man returns yet again. Now he's REALLY drunk; his glasses are broken, there's a burn hole in his suit, and he's wearing his tie around his head. "Hey, I'll giff you five...hic.....THOUSAND dollerz to jub' out 'at window.....and jum' baggin."

Now Peter is mad, and just wants to get rid of this drunkard. "Tell you what," he says. "You do it first and I'll do it for free."

The drunk man thinks for a second, and then stumbles over to the window, jumps out and jumps back in. Shocked, Peter thinks to himself, "If this drunk asshole can do it, surely I can." So Peter walks over to the window, takes a deep breath, and jumps out the window. He quickly falls to his death.

The drunk man is standing by the bar, chuckling to himself. The bartender looks at him and says "You sure are a dick when you're drunk, Superman."

Posted by: Sweety Jan 25 2007, 07:45 PM

What are the three fastest ways of communication? Three fastest ways of communication in the world: 3.. Tele-phone 2.. Tele-vision 1.. Tell-a-woman. You still want faster? ... Tell her not to tell anyone! laugh.gif laugh.gif

Posted by: maybe Jan 26 2007, 06:08 AM

laugh.gif

Posted by: Sweety Feb 16 2007, 10:04 AM

A young man asks his granny: have u seen my pills, the ones i left on the table? They were labeled "exxtasy"... Granny: fuck the pills , man..have u seen the dragon in the kitchen??? laugh.gif laugh.gif laugh.gif

Posted by: Sweety May 26 2007, 11:24 PM

One arabian in aeroport:

-Name?
- Abdul al-Rhazib.
- Sex?
- Three to five times a week.
- No, no… I mean male or female?
- Male, female, sometimes camel.
- Holy cow!
- Yes, cow, sheep, animals in general.
- But isn’t that hostile?
- Horse style, doggy style, any style!
- Oh dear!
- No, no! Deer run too fast...

Posted by: Sweety Nov 10 2007, 05:23 PM

A trucker picks up a hitchhiker who climbs up in the cab and notices a monkey on the dashboard.
After a few miles, he asks the driver what the monkey is for.

The driver says "I'll show you," and with that he hits the monkey with the back of his hand, sending the poor creature rolling across the dash.

The monkey goes down between the drivers legs, unzips his pants, pulls out his unit and proceeds to give the trucker oral gratification.

When finished, the monkey pulls out a tissue, cleans the driver up, puts everything back and jumps back up on the dashboard.

"See that?" said the trucker.

The man said, "Yeah."

The trucker ask the man, "You want to try it?"

The man said, "OK, but don't hit me as hard as you hit that monkey!"

Posted by: tuffgirl Nov 29 2007, 05:55 AM

you crazy girl laugh.gif laugh.gif laugh.gif laugh.gif laugh.gif

Posted by: Sweety Dec 17 2007, 12:56 AM

Matt came home from a business convention very drunk one night. He slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and immediately fell into a deep, deep slumber. After a while he awoke in front of the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said: "I'm sorry to have to tell you this Matt, but you died in your sleep."

Matt was devastated, and begged for a second chance, pleading that he had a young wife and baby and couldn't bear to be parted from them. St Peter looked sympathetic but shook his head: "It can't be done Matt. The only opening I've got in the next 100 years near your family is as a chicken on the local farm."

Matt readily agreed to this and the next thing he knew, he was in a yard, covered in feathers and clucking as he pecked the ground. Suddenly he had a strange feeling inside him and he called out to the nearest chicken to him: “What’s happening? It feels like I'm going to explode!"

"Don't worry dear, you're only ovulating," said the other chicken. "Haven't you laid an egg before?"

Matt replied that he hadn't.

"Well just relax and let it happen," said the other chicken. "It really is no big deal."

Matt relaxed, and a few rather uncomfortable seconds later out popped a beautiful new egg. Matt was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood and within seconds his second egg slid out, much more smoothly than the first.

As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard his wife shout: “Dammit Matt, wake up. You're shitting in the bed!"

Posted by: Airman04061969 Dec 17 2007, 03:25 AM

As a proud owner (owner ? Yeah, right ! Try "meal provider" laugh.gif ) of a cat, I'd like to share my experience with fellow cat owners (or potential future cat owners). Today's word of wisdom is about:

"Instructions for application of oral medicine to domestic feline
... or 'How to give a pill to a cat.'"

1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if
holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either
side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while
holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into
mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle
cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding
rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill
to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a
count of 10.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of
wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, holding
front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get
spouse to hold cat's head firmly with one hand while forcing
wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's
throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil
wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully
sweep shattered figurines from hearth and set to one side for
gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with its
head just visible from below spouse's armpit. Put pill in end of
drinking straw, - force cat's mouth open with pencil and blow down
drinking straw.

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink
glass of water to take taste away. Apply Elastoplast to spouse's
forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbour's shed. Get another pill.
Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head
showing. Force mouth open with dessertspoon. Flick pill down
throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges.
Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last
tetanus shot. Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road.
Apologise to neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving to
avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind
tightly to leg of dining table. Find heavy-duty pruning gloves
from shed. Force cat's mouth open with small spanner. Push pill
into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head
vertically and pour a pint of water down throat to wash pill
down.

14. Get spouse to drive you to emergency room, sit quietly while
doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants
from right eye. Stop by furniture shop on way home to order new
table.

15. Arrange for RSPCA to collect cat and call local pet shop to
see if they have any hamsters."

(other advises will be posted later)

Posted by: Airman04061969 Dec 18 2007, 01:58 AM

Today's recipe is about how to bathe the cat.
Proud "owners" of cat should know that, although the cat does most of its cleaning, it needs, from time to time (every month for long haired cats, every two months for short haired cats) a bath. We all know that cats hate water so extra precautions need to be taken when bathing a cat.
Here's a few tips:
1. Know that although the kitty cat has the advantage of quickness and lack of concern for human life, you have the advantage of strength. Capitalize on that advantage by selecting the battlefield. Don't try to bathe him in an open area where he can force you to chase him. Pick a very small bathroom. If your bathroom is more than four feet square, we recommend that you get in the tub with the cat and close the sliding-glass doors as if you were about to take a shower. (A simple shower curtain will not do. A berserk cat can shred a three-ply rubber shower curtain quicker than a politician can shift positions.)
2. Know that a cat has claws and will not hesitate to remove all the skin from your body. Your advantage here is that you are smart and know how to dress to protect yourself. We recommend canvas overalls tucked into high-top construction boots, a pair of steel-mesh gloves, an army helmet, a hockey face-mask, and a long-sleeved flak jacket.
3. Use the element of surprise. Pick up your cat nonchalantly, as if to simply carry him to his supper dish. (Cats will not usually notice your strange attire. They have little or no interest in fashion as a rule.)
4. Once you are inside the bathroom, speed is essential to survival. In a single liquid motion, shut the bathroom door, step into the tub enclosure, slide the glass door shut, dip the cat in the water and squirt him with shampoo. You have now begun one of the wildest 45 seconds of your life.
5. Cats have no handles. Add the fact that he now has soapy fur, and the problem is radically compounded. Do not expect to hold on to him for more than two or three seconds at a time. When you have him, however, you must remember to give him another squirt of shampoo and rub like crazy. He'll then spring free and fall back into the water, thereby rinsing himself off. (The national record for cats is three latherings, so don't expect too much.)
6. Next, the cat must be dried. Novice cat bathers always assume this part will be the most difficult, for humans generally are worn out at this point and the cat is just getting really determined. In fact, the drying is simple compared with what you have just been through. That's because by now the cat is semi-permanently affixed to your right leg.
7. You simply pop the drain plug with your foot, reach for your towel and wait. (Occasionally, however, the cat will end up clinging to the top of your army helmet. If this happens, the best thing you can do is to shake him loose and to encourage him toward your leg.) After all the water is drained from the tub, it is a simple matter to just reach down and dry the cat.
In a few days the cat will relax enough to be removed from your leg. He will usually have nothing to say for about three weeks and will spend a lot of time sitting with his back to you. He might even become psychoceramic and develop the fixed stare of a plaster figurine.
You will be tempted to assume he is angry. This isn't usually the case. As a rule he is simply plotting ways to get through your defenses and injure you for life the next time you decide to give him a bath. But at least now he smells a lot better.

Though the proper way, we recommend that beginners should try the easy way, as recommended by our best friend, the Dog. Here it goes:
1. Thoroughly clean the toilet.
2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water and have both lids lifted.
3. Obtain the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids (you may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot escape). CAUTION: Do not get any part of your body too close to the edge, as his paws will be reaching out for anything they can find. The cat will self-agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from your toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.
5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power wash and rinse" which I found to be quite effective.
6. Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.
7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can and quickly lift both lids.
8. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet and run outside where he will dry himself.

Posted by: tuffgirl Dec 19 2007, 04:50 AM

Mental Hospital Phone Menu:

Hello and thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital. Please select from
the following menu options:

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, & 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want, stay on the line so
we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the Mother
Ship.

If you are schizophr enic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you
which number to press.

If you are manic-depressant, it doesn't matte which number you press,nothing
will make you happy anyway.

If you are dyslexic, press 969696969696969696969.

If you are bipolar, please leave after the beep or before the beep or after the
beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory
loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self-esteem, please hang up, our operators are too busy to talk
with you.

If you are menopausal,put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down and
cry. You won't be crazy forever.

If you are blonde, don't press any buttons, you'll just mess it up.

Posted by: tuffgirl Jan 5 2008, 08:59 PM

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director how do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"

Posted by: tuffgirl Jan 5 2008, 09:08 PM

:roll:

THINGS OVERHEARD AT AN STD CLINIC

The quotes below are complaints reported by clients clients of Room 111, a public health clinic in St. Paul that treats people for sexually transmitted diseases. Nurses at the clinic began creating the list two decades ago; it now includes several hundred comments.



"I have reason to believe my penis was exposed to LSD. When I ejaculate I have flashbacks."

"My hair is falling out and the sun hurts my crotch."

"I went to a party, had a few beers, woke up in a closet later on and my face stunk and my dick hurt."

"My last period looked like meat."

"My balls feel soft and mushy."

"I be messin' with these nasty women from Minnesota and they don't tell you they got something unless they mad at you."

"How am I supposed to do lap dances smelling like a dead fish?"

"I got the dripper."

"I have food chunks in my urine."

"Had sex with my daughter's fiancé and then douched with Lysol--feelin' a little raw down there."

"Scabs on my butt and I'm losing my mind."

"I'm releasing semen when I take a crap."

"I was poked in the rectum with the infected finger of a 70-year-old homosexual man."

"I live at the VA and my roommate has his girlfriend from Minneapolis over. They throw ticks at me that bite my neck and when I pop the sores, they smell like vagina juice."

"Can't you put the swab in further?"

"I had sex with my baby's momma, sex with my other baby's momma and my other new baby's momma has disease."

"Last time I had sex I passed something that looked like Cream of Wheat before it's cooked."

"My cervix hurts when I jiggle."

"The seam in my circumcision split open."

"I be messin' with my ex-wife and my girlfriend and I don't trust either of them."

"My whole body smells like a menstruating woman, especially my armpits."

"From the looks of my penis, I believe they are sucking the adrenaline out of me."

"I think they hypnotized me and put implants and poltergeists in my brain and had sex with me."

"I think my boyfriend knows what's going on. He's been calling me a 'chlamydiahoris.'"

"My pee smells like ham."

Posted by: tuffgirl Jan 7 2008, 04:01 AM

NO SPEAKAH DE ENGLISH

A bus stops and 2 men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.

The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her
attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:

"Emma come first.
Den I come.
Den two asses come together.
I come once-a-more!
Two asses, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice.
Then I come one lasta time."

The lady can't take this any more,

"You foul-mouthed sex obsessed pig,"
she retorted indignantly.

"In this country we don't speak aloud in Public places about our sex lives.

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man.

"Who talkin'abouta sex? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell
' Mississippi '."

$5.00 says you're gonna read this again

Posted by: Airman04061969 Jan 9 2008, 12:40 PM

(tuffgirl)
$5.00 says you're gonna read this again


You losta ! Pay-upa or I will make you an offer you cannot refuse ! laugh.gif

Posted by: tuffgirl Jan 11 2008, 01:21 AM

Okay okay you show-upa when i go to Texas and i pay laugh.gif laugh.gif

No but seriously where are you these days? I am on my way to Texas in a couple of weeks....let me know and if we are close maybe i get to see you guys. :kisskiss: :hug: Please say Hi to Aura and i am still waiting pictures of the happy family :wink:

Posted by: colorado Feb 7 2008, 08:53 PM

Confucius says: It is good for boy to
meet girl in park, but better for boy
to park meat in girl.



Confucius says: baseball is wrong.
Man with four balls cannot walk.




Confucius says:Schoolboy who plays with schoolgirl during wrong period get caught red-handed.



Confucius says:Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.



Confucius says, "6.9, another thing ruined by a period."



Confucius says, "Man with tool in woman's mouth is not necessarily a dentist."




Confucius says, "Man who put wick into wrong candle . . . get burned."


Confucius Say - Man who make love to woman on hill, not on the level.

Posted by: tuffgirl Feb 28 2008, 11:28 PM

Riddle
You are driving in a car at a constant speed. On your left side is a 'drop off', (The ground is 18-20 inches below the level you are traveling on), and on your right side is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as you. In front of you is a galloping horse, which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it. Behind you is a galloping zebra. Both the horse and zebra are also traveling at the same speed as you. What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?

For the answer, click and drag your mouse from star to star.
* Get your drunk-ass off the merry-go-round. *

Posted by: tuffgirl Feb 28 2008, 11:30 PM

16 Years Of Meat
It was many years ago since the embarrassing day when a young woman, with a baby in her arms, entered his butcher shop and confronted him with the news that the baby was his and asked what was he going to do about it? Finally he offered to provide her with free meat until the boy was 16. She agreed.

He had been counting the years off on his calendar, and one day the teenager, who had been collecting the meat each week, came into the shop and said, "I'll be 16 tomorrow."

"I know," said the butcher with a smile, "I've been counting too, tell your mother, when you take this parcel of meat home, that it is the last free meat she'll get, and watch the expression on her face."

When the boy arrived home he told his mother.

The woman nodded and said, "Son, go back to the butcher and tell him I have also had free bread, free milk, and free groceries for the last 16 years and watch the expression on his face!"

Posted by: tuffgirl Feb 28 2008, 11:32 PM

ITALIAN ARITHMETIC?

An Italian workman wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until
he passes a little math test.

"Here's your first question," the foreman said.
"Without using numbers, represent the number 9."

"Withouta numbers?" the Italian says, "Datsa easy."
and he proceeds to draw three trees.

"What's this?" the boss asks.

"Ave you gota no brain? Tree and tree and tree make a
nine," says the Italian.

"Fair enough," says the boss. "Here's your second question.
Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99."

The Italian stares into space for a while, thenpicks up the picture
that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree
"Ere you go."

The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get
that to represent 99?"

"Eacha of da trees is a dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty
tree,
and dirty tree. Datsa a 99."

The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire
this Italian, so he says, "All right, last question.

Same rules again, but represent the number 100."

The Italian stares into space some more, then he picks up the
picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree
and says, "Ere you go. One hundred."

The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think
that represents a hundred!"

(You're going to love this one!!!)

The Italian leans forward and points to the marks at the base
of each tree and says, "A little doga come along and shita by
eacha tree. So now you gota dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree
and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, data makea one hundred.
So, whenna I start?

Posted by: tuffgirl Feb 28 2008, 11:32 PM

Sick Leave

I urgently needed a few days off work,

But, I knew the Boss would not allow me to take leave.

I thought that maybe if I acted "Crazy"
Then he would tell me to take a few days off.

So, I hung upside-down on the ceiling and made funny noises.

My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing.

I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb,

So, that the Boss might think I was "Crazy" and give me a few days off.

A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked,

"What in the name of good GOD are you doing? "

I told him I was a light bulb.

He said, "You are clearly stressed out."
Go home and recuperate for a couple of days."

I jumped down and walked out of the office...

When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss asked her,

". ..And where do you think you're going?!"

(You're gonna love this....)





She said, "I'm going home too. I can't work in the dark.

Posted by: tuffgirl Mar 15 2008, 01:15 AM

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!"

The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!" Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.

Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home, when he spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he saw a huge 9-foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She took aim, killed the creature, and with a great deal of effort hauled it on to the swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watched in amazement. Just then the blonde flipped the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouts out, "Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"

Posted by: tuffgirl Mar 25 2008, 05:48 AM

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
______________________ ________________
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.
________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shittin' me?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh.... I was gettin' laid!
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS : Are you shittin' me? Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Guess.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 P.M.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at t he time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________

And the best for last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?

WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

Posted by: tuffgirl Apr 1 2008, 02:09 AM

Men Are Just Happier People



NICKNAMES

If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura,

Kate and Sarah .

If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other

as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.



EATING OUT

When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even

though it's only for $32.50.

None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they

want change back.

When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.



MONEY

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.



BATHROOMS

A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving

cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from Wal Mart.

The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337.

A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.



ARGUMENTS

A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.



CATS

Women love cats.

Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.



FUTURE

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.



SUCCESS

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.



MARRIAGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.



DRESSING UP

A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the bins,

answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.

A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.



NATURAL

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.

Women somehow deteriorate during the night.



OFFSPRING

Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children.

She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite

foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.

A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.



THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

A married man should forget his mistakes.

There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

Posted by: tuffgirl Apr 1 2008, 02:11 AM

A Jewish lady says to her mother,

'I'm divorcing Sheldon! All he wants

is anal s*x, and my as***ole is now

the size of a 50 cent piece when it

used to be the size of a dime.'



Mother says, 'You're married to a

multi-millionaire businessman, you

live in a mansion, you drive a

Ferrari,

you get $10,000 a week allowance,

you take 6 vacations a year, and you

want to throw all that away for 40 cents?

Posted by: jolie_jojo Apr 22 2008, 10:04 AM

The Good, The Bad and The Ugly

Good: Your wife is pregnant.
Bad: It's triplets.
Ugly: You had a vasectomy five years ago.

Good: Your wife's not talking to you.
Bad: She wants a divorce.
Ugly: She's a lawyer

Good: Your son is finally maturing.
Bad: He's involved with the Woman next door.
Ugly: So are you

Good: Your son studies a lot in his room..
Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there.
Ugly: You're in them

Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids.
Bad: You can't find your birth control pills.
Ugly: Your 13 year old daughter borrowed them.

Good: Your husband understands fashion.
Bad: He's a cross-dresser.
Ugly: He looks better than you

Good: You give the "birds and bees" talk to your daughter.
Bad: She keeps interrupting.
Ugly: With corrections.

Good: The postman's early.
Bad: He's wearing fatigues and carrying a shotgun.
Ugly: You gave him nothing for Christmas.


Good: Your son is dating someone new.
Bad: It's another man.
Ugly: He's your best friend.

Good: Your daughter got a new job.
Bad: As a hooker.
Ugly: Your coworkers are her best clients.
Way ugly: She makes more money than you do.

Posted by: tuffgirl May 4 2008, 04:46 AM

What Religion is Your Bra?

A man walked into the Ladies Department of a Macy's and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter. He said,

'I'd like to buy a bra for my wife. '

'What type of bra?' asked the clerk.

' Type?' inquired the man, 'There's more than one type?'

' Look around,' said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material imaginable.

'Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose from .'

Relieved, the man askedabout the types.

The saleslady replied:

'There are the Catholic, the Salvation Army, the Presbyterian, and the Baptist types.

Which one would you prefer?'


Now totally befuddled, the man asked about the differences between them.

The Saleslady responded,

'It is all really quite simple. ...


The Catholic type supports the masses;

The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen;

The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright; and

The Baptist makes mountains out of mole hills.'






Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, and H are the letters used to define bra sizes?

If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out what the letters stood for, it is about time you became informed!

(A} Almost Boobs...
{B} Barely there...
{C} Can't Complain!...
{D} Dang!...
{DD} Double dang!...
{E} Enormous!...
{F} Fake...
{G} Get a Reduction...
{H} Help me, I've fallen and I can't get up!...

They forgot the German bra: Holtzemfromfloppen !

Posted by: tuffgirl May 22 2008, 01:50 AM

http://www.funnieststuff.net/viewmovie.php?id=818

Posted by: tuffgirl May 29 2008, 03:23 AM

Grandma and The Oranges

Lulu was a prostitute, but she didn't want her Grandma to know.
One day, the police raided the brothel
and took all the girls outside and made them line up
Suddenly, Lulu's Grandma came by.

Not willing to let her Grandmother know the truth, Lulu told her that
the police were passing out free oranges and she was just lining up for
some.

'Why, that's awfully nice of them. I think I'll get some for myself'
Grandma said, and she proceeded to the back of the line.

A policeman was going down the line asking for information from all the
prostitutes.
When he got to Grandma, he was bewildered and exclaimed,
'Wow, still going at it at your age? How do you do it old girl?'

Grandma replied, 'Oh, it's easy, dear. I just take my denture out, rip the
skin back and suck'em dry.'
The policeman fainted.


rolleyes.gif

Posted by: tuffgirl Jun 16 2008, 07:58 PM


DEEP THOUGHTS BY MEN WHILE FISHING

Two men are out ice fishing at their favorite fishing hole, just
fishing quietly and drinking beer. Almost silently, so as not to
scare the fish ,Bob says:

'I think I'm going to divorce my wife - she hasn't spoken to me
in over 2 months.'

Frank continues slowly sipping his beer,then thoughtfully says:

'You better think it over- women like that are hard to find.'

Posted by: elena-tolstaja Oct 4 2008, 10:58 PM

Hello,just joined the forum and to not be ghost user with no posts will post some USELESS joke smile.gif

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Smoking in the Rain

Two old ladies were waiting for a bus and one of them was smoking a cigarette. It started to rain, so the old lady reached into her purse, took out a condom, cut off the tip and slipped it over her cigarette and continued to smoke.
Her friend saw this and said, "Hey that's a good idea! But, what is that thing you put over your cigarette?"
The other old lady said, "It's a condom."
"A condom? Where do you get those?"
The lady with the cigarette told her friend that you could purchase condoms at the pharmacy. When the two old ladies arrived downtown, the old lady with all the questions went into the pharmacy and asked the pharmacist if he sold condoms. The pharmacist said yes, but looked a little surprised that this old woman was interested in condoms, so he asked her, "What size do you want?"
The old lady thought for a minute and said, "One that will fit a Camel."

poor,poor Camel smile.gif smile.gif


Posted by: tuffgirl Oct 20 2008, 09:50 PM

There were two nuns..

One of them was known as Sister Mathematical
(SM),

and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL) .

It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.


SM:
Have you noticed that a man has been following us for
the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.

SL:
It's logical. He wants to rape us.

SM:
Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes
at the most! What can we do?

SL:
The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.


SM:
It's not working.

SL:
Of course it's not working. The man did the only
logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.

SM
: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.

SL:
The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.

So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.


Sister Mathematical
arrives at the convent and is
worried about what has happened to Sister Logical.

Then
Sister Logical arrives.

SM:
Sister Logical! Thank God you are here!
Tell me what happened!

SL
: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me


SM
: Yes, yes! But what happened then?

SL
: The only logical thing happened. I started to run
as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.

SM
: And?

SL
: The only logical thing happened. He reached me.

SM
: Oh, dear! What did you do?

SL
: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.

SM
: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?

SL
: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.


SM: Oh, no! What happened then?

SL
: Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his pants down.

And for those of you who thought it would be dirty,

Say two Hail Marys!







Posted by: tuffgirl Oct 20 2008, 09:51 PM

A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver
won't stop staring at her.

She asks him why he is staring.

He replies: "I have a question to ask you, but I don't want to offend you".

She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am
and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and
hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could
say or ask that I would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."

She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that. But first,
you have to be single and you must be Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"

"OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley, "maybe we will see what
we can do."

The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker
blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts
crying.

"My dear child," said the nun, why are you crying?"

"Forgive me, but I've sinned. I lied. I must confess, I'm married and
I'm Jewish."

The nun says, "That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party."

Posted by: sand Nov 22 2008, 09:16 PM

Hope you won't acuse me I'm a woman hater ... it's just for fun! biggrin.gif

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SjxY9rZwNGU

Posted by: tuffgirl Nov 23 2008, 03:10 AM

Woman hater chauvinist




Posted by: tuffgirl Nov 24 2008, 08:38 PM


A young cowboy and cowgirl decide...



...to get married. He was a man of the world. She was an innocent bride with no experience.

After the wedding they left for their honeymoon. While driving down the road the new bride sees two cows having sex.

The new bride asks, "What are them cows up to honey?"

The husband a bit flustered answers, "Why can't you see? Them cows they're roping!"

She replies, "Oh I see!"

After a few more hours of driving they pass two horses having sex.

Again the bride asks, "What are them horses doing honey?"

The husband answers again, "Them horses they're roping!"

She replies, "Oh I see!"

Finally they arrive at their hotel. The couple washed up and started to get ready for bed. When they got in the bed they start to explore each others bodies. Things are going along fine until the bride discovers her husband's penis.

"Oh my!" she cries "What is that?"

"Well darlin'" he chuckles proudly "That's ma' rope!"

She slides her hands down further and gasps "Oh my goodness! What are those?" she asks.

"Honey those're my knots!" he answers.

Finally the couple begins to make love. After several minutes the bride says "Stop honey, wait a minute!"

Her husband panting a little asks "What's the matter honey, am I hurting you?"

"No" the bride replies "undo them damn knots...




...I need more rope!"



laugh.gif

Posted by: tuffgirl Nov 28 2008, 05:59 PM

QUOTE (sand @ Nov 22 2008, 06:16 PM) *
Hope you won't acuse me I'm a woman hater ... it's just for fun! biggrin.gif

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SjxY9rZwNGU




Here's another one


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=39qdhbkTko4&NR=1



Posted by: tuffgirl Dec 10 2008, 12:48 AM

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected: 2
litres of low fat milk,
a carton of eggs,
2 litres of orange juice,
a head of lettuce,
half a dozen tomatoes,
a 500g jar of coffee,
a 250g pack
of bacon

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.
While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated,
'You must be single.'
The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selection that could have tipped off the Drunk to her marital status.
Curiosity getting the better of her, she said, 'Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?'

The drunk replied, 'Cos you're ugly.'

Posted by: jolie_jojo Dec 10 2008, 11:07 AM

A woman scanned the guests at a party and spotted an attractive man standing alone. She approached him.
"My name is Carmen," she told him.
"That's a beautiful name," he replied, "Is it a family name?"
"No," she replied. "I gave it to myself. It reflects the things I like most -- cars and men."
"What's your name?" she asked.
He said, "B. J. Titsengolf'"

Posted by: tuffgirl Dec 22 2008, 09:46 PM

Box Donation

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, ' I almost had an affair with another woman. '

The priest said, ' What do you mean, almost? '

The Irishman said, ' Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then stopped '

The priest said, ' Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You ' re not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Marys and put $50 in the poor box. '

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, ' I saw that. You didn ' t put any money in the poor box! '

The Irishman replied, ' Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that ' s the same as putting it in! '



Lemon Squeeze
There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession.

Upon entering the confessional, she said, ' Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. ' The priest said, ' Confess your sins and be forgiven. '

The young woman said, ' Last night my boyfriend made mad, passionate love to me seven times. '

The priest thought long and hard and then said, ' Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice. '

The young woman asked, ' Will this cleanse me of my sins? '
The priest said, ' No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.




Catholic Dog

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, ' Father, my dog is dead. Could ya ' be saying ' a mass for the poor creature? '

Father Patrick replied, ' I ' m afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there ' s no tellin ' what they believe. Maybe they ' ll do something for the creature '

Maldoon said, ' I ' ll go right away Father. Do ya ' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service? '

Father Patrick exclaimed, ' Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn ' t ya tell me the dog was Catholic?




Donation

Father O ' Malley answers the phone. ' Hello, is this Father O ' Malley? '

'It is! '

'This is the Internal Revenue Service. Can you help us? '

'I can! '

'Do you know a Ted Houlihan? '

'I do! '

'Is he a member of your congregation? '

'He is! '

'Did he donate $10,000 to the church? '

'He will!! '










Posted by: tuffgirl Feb 5 2009, 06:14 AM

Why our country (U.S.) is in trouble



A DC airport ticket agent offers some examples of 'why' our country is in trouble!

1. I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman ask for an aisle seat so that her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window. (On an airplane!)

2. I got a call from a candidate's staffer, who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information, and then she interrupted me with, ''I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts.''
Without trying to make her look stupid, I calmly explained, ''Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa ''
Her response -- click.

3. A senior Vermont Congressman called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that's not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state.
He replied, 'don't lie to me, I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state!'' (OMG)

4. I got a call from a lawmaker's wife who asked, ''Is it possible to see England from Canada ?'' I said, ''No.''
She said, ''But they look so close on the map.'' (OMG, again!)

5. An aide for a cabinet member once called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas.
I pulled up the reservation and noticed he had only a 1-hour layover in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, ''I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a car to drive between gates to save time.'' (Aghhhh)

6. An Illinois Congresswoman called last week. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:30 a.m., and got to Chicago at 8:33 a.m.
I explained that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she couldn't understand the concept of time zones.
Finally, I told her the plane went fast, and she bought that.

7. A New York lawmaker called and asked, ''Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to whom?'' I said, 'No, why do you ask?'
She replied, ''Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said (FAT), and I'm overweight. I think that's very rude!''
After putting her on hold for a minute, while I looked into it. (I was dying laughing). I came back and explained the city code for Fresno, Ca. is (FAT - Fresno Air Terminal), and the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.

8. A Senator's aide called to inquire about a trip package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, ''Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train To Hawaii?''

9. I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman who asked, ''How do I know which plane to get on?''
I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, ''I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these planes have numbers on them.''

10. A lady Senator called and said, ''I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola, Florida. Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?''
I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola, FL on a commuter plane.
She said, ''Yeah, whatever, smarty!''

11. A senior Senator called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him that he needed a visa. 'Oh, no I don't. I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those.'' I double checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa.
When I told him this he said, ''Look, I've been to China four times. and every time they have accepted my American Express!''

12. A New Mexico Congress woman called to make reservations, ''I want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York.''I was at a loss for words. Finally, I said, ''Are you sure that's the name of the town?''
'Yes, what flights do you have?'' replied the lady.
After some searching, I came back with, ''I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a rhino anywhere."
The lady retorted, ''Oh, don't be silly! Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!''
So I scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, ''You don't mean Buffalo, do you?''
The reply? ''Whatever! I knew it was a big animal.''

Now you know why the Government is in the shape that it's in!
Could anyone be this DUMB?
YES, THEY WALK AMONG US, ARE IN POLITICS, AND THEY CONTINUE TO BREED.
I don't write it, I just offer it for your consideration.

Posted by: tuffgirl May 19 2009, 05:25 PM

A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, 'Are you allergic to anything?' He replies, 'Yes - caffeine.'

'Have you ever been in the military service?' 'Yes,' he says 'I was in Iraq for two years.' The interviewer says, 'That will give you 5 extra points toward employment.'

Then he asks, 'Are you disabled in any way?' The guy says, 'Yes...an IED exploded near me and I lost both of my testicles.' The interviewer grimaces and then says, 'O.K. You've got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 - and plan on starting at 10:00 A .M. every day.'

The guy is puzzled and says, 'If the work hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M., why don't you want me to here until 10:00 A.M.?'
This is a government job,' the interviewer says.. 'For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that.'

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