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Fun and Jokes
tuffgirl
post Sep 2 2005, 04:47 PM
Post #21


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Two blondes and a brunette were hanging from a rope going horizontaily across a canyon. The rope could only support two people at a time, so they decided to each give a speech. The two who gave the best speech could remain on the rope.
The first blonde gave her speech and it was pretty good.

The second blonde gave her speech and it was wonderful.

Then the brunette gave her speech, it was fabulous!

The blondes were so impressed, they clapped their hands.....


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You have been weighed, you have been measured, and you have been found wanting. In what world could you possibly beat me?
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tuffgirl
post Sep 5 2005, 06:36 PM
Post #22


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In the beginning, there was nothing.

God said, "Let there be light!"...and there was light!

There was still nothing, but you could see it a whole lot better.


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tuffgirl
post Sep 14 2005, 01:36 AM
Post #23


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Three men were walking through the forest when they came to an enormous river. The river rapids were splashing everywhere, making it too dangerous to swim. All of a sudden, a river guardian appears.
Guardian: If you desire to cross this river, I will give each of you one wish in order to do so. Use it wisely.

First man: I wish I were big, tall, and strong enough in order to wade across the river.

*POOF!* He became what he wished for, waded across the river, and turned back into himself on the other side.

Second man: I know! I wish I could be a bird, so that way I could fly across the river!

*POOF! He turned into a bird, flew across, and turned back into himself on the other side.

Third man: -Hmm, I'm going to do this the right way. How about...- I wish I had the intelligence to get across this river.

So *POOF!* The man turned into a woman and walked across the bridge.


(IMG:/tongue.gif) (IMG:/tongue.gif) (IMG:/tongue.gif) (IMG:/laugh.gif)


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tuffgirl
post Sep 14 2005, 01:37 AM
Post #24


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A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started."
Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger."

He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then....." he sighed, "let's put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box."
:oopss:


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tuffgirl
post Sep 16 2005, 04:20 PM
Post #25


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12 things you didn't know, you didn't know (IMG:/tongue.gif)

Did you know...

It is impossible to lick your elbow.
A crocodile can't stick its tongue out.
A shrimp's heart is in its head.
In a study of 200,000 ostriches, over a period of 80 years, no one reported a single case where an ostrich buried its head in the sand.
It is physically impossible for pigs to look up into the sky.
A pregnant goldfish is called a twit.
More than 50% of the people in the world have never made or received a telephone call.
Horses can't vomit.
The "sixth sick sheik's sixth sheep's sick" is said to be the toughest tongue twister in the English language.
If you sneeze too hard, you can fracture a rib. If you try to suppress a sneeze, you can rupture a blood vessel in your head or neck and die. And, if you keep your eyes open by force, they can pop out.
Rats multiply so quickly that in 18 months, two rats could have over a million descendants.
Wearing headphones for just an hour will increase the bacteria in your ear by 700 times.

I didn't think you knew these things you didn't know before reading this message! :-)


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tuffgirl
post Sep 24 2005, 02:28 AM
Post #26


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A truck pulls up to a stop sign and begins to slow down, but doesn't stop. He then sees blue lights pulling him over.
When the cop comes to the window he asked why the driver didn't stop.

The driver responds I slowed down and didn't see anyone.

The officer then begins slapping the driver across the face.

The driver says WHAT ARE YOU DOING..

The cop replies "Do you want me to stop or slow down?"


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RavenX
post Sep 30 2005, 06:03 AM
Post #27


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a classic one...
why do the chicken cross the road?
to get to the other side
:zid:


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Life is war, and every day's a battle to me
I'm on the brink of insanity, between extreme intelligence and split personalities
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nicky
post Oct 10 2005, 06:12 PM
Post #28


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PRISON vs WORK

PRISON: you spend the majority of your time in an 8X10 cell.
AT WORK: you spend the majority of your time in a 6X8 cubicle.

IN PRISON: you get three meals a day.
AT WORK: you only get a break for one meal and you pay for it.

IN PRISON: you get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK: you get more work for good behavior.

IN PRISON: the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK: you must carry around a security card and open all the doors for yourself.

IN PRISON: you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK: you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

IN PRISON: you get your own toilet.
AT WORK: you have to share with some idiot who pees on the seat.

IN PRISON: they allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK: you can't even speak to your family.

IN PRISON: the taxpayers pay all expenses with no work required.
AT WORK: you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

IN PRISON: you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out.
AT WORK: you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.

IN PRISON: you must deal with sadistic wardens.
AT WORK: they are called managers.


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La extrema oricarui gand este un suspin. (Paul Valery)
28.gif[/image][/url]
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nicky
post Oct 10 2005, 06:13 PM
Post #29


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WHY GOD CREATED CHILDREN (AND IN THE PROCESS GRANDCHILDREN)



To those of us who have children in our lives, whether they are our own, grandchildren, nieces, nephews, or students...here is something to make you chuckle. Whenever your children are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to His own children After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing he said was "DON'T!"



"Don't what?" Adam replied.



"Don't eat the forbidden fruit." God said.



"Forbidden fruit? We have forbidden fruit? Hey Eve..we have forbidden fruit!!!!!"



"No Way!"



"Yes way!"



"Do NOT eat the fruit!" said God.



"Why"



"Because I am your Father and I said so!" God replied, wondering why He hadn't stopped creation after making the elephants. A few minutes later, God saw His children having an apple break and He was ticked! "Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit?" God asked.



"Uh huh," Adam replied.



"Then why did you?" said the Father.



"I don't know," said Eve.



"She started it!" Adam said



"Did not!"



"Did too!"



"DID NOT!"



Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own. Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed.





BUT THERE IS REASSURANCE IN THE STORY! If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give children wisdom and they haven't taken it, don't be hard on yourself. If God had trouble raising children, what makes you think it would be a piece of cake for you?



THINGS TO THINK ABOUT!
1. You spend the first two years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next sixteen telling them to sit down and shut up.



2. Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your own children.



3. Mothers of teens now know why some animals eat their young.



4. Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.



5. The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own.



6. We childproofed our homes, but they are still getting in.





ADVICE FOR THE DAY: Be nice to your kids. They will choose your nursing home one day.



AND FINALLY:

IF YOU HAVE A LOT OF TENSION AND YOU GET A HEADACHE, DO WHAT IT SAYS ON THE ASPIRIN BOTTLE:

"TAKE TWO ASPIRIN" AND "KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN"!!!!


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La extrema oricarui gand este un suspin. (Paul Valery)
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nicky
post Oct 16 2005, 11:50 PM
Post #30


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Fifteen days ago I read that smoking can kill you.
The next day I stopped smoking.

Twelve days ago I read that too much red meat can kill you. The next day I stopped eating red meat..

Eight days ago I read that drinking can kill you.

The next day I stopped drinking.

Yesterday I read that having sex can kill you.

This morning I stopped reading.


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La extrema oricarui gand este un suspin. (Paul Valery)
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Shewanna
post Oct 17 2005, 07:30 PM
Post #31


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Here's a sick one :ranjet:

Michael Jackson and his wife are in the recovery room with their new baby son.

The doctor walks in and Michael asks: "Doctor, how long before we can have sex?"

The doctor replies, "I'd wait until he's at least 14.


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Rap me tender coz im sensitive.
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mishulina
post Oct 17 2005, 07:48 PM
Post #32


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Cool differences & more...

What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife? 45lbs
What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? 45 min.

What is it when a man talks nasty to a woman? Sexual Harassment
What is it when a woman talks nasty to a man? $3.99 a min.

How can you tell if your wife is dead?
The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.

How can you tell if your husband is dead?
The sex is the same, but you get the remote.

What's a blonde's favorite nursery rhyme?
Humpme Dumpme.

What's it called when a woman is paralyzed from the waist down?
Marriage.

How many men does it take to change a light bulb?
None, they just sit there in the dark and complain.

What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp implement.

What have men and floor tiles got in common?
If you lay them properly the first time you can walk all over them
for life.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.

What is a man's view of safe sex?
A padded headboard.

How do men sort their laundry?
"Filthy" and "Filthy but Wearable"

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of
driving.

What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.

Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?
The guy who can have a cup of coffee in each hand and still carry a
dozen doughnuts.

Who is the most popular woman at a nudist colony?
The woman who ate the last doughnut.

What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.

A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third grade. Who has
the biggest breasts?
The blonde, because she's 18.

Do you know the punishment for bigamy?
Two mothers-in-law...(IMG:/smile.gif)


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Sweety
post Nov 13 2005, 07:39 AM
Post #33


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What's green, fuzzy, has 4 legs, and, if it falls out of a tree, can kill you?
......

A pool table.


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Oh I wish I was a punk rocker with flowers in my hair
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satine
post Nov 24 2005, 03:00 PM
Post #34


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What do George Bush's wife and the American flag have in common?
They both go down in the name of the president.


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Nobody likes you when your dead.
It just ain't right.
Just 'cause I'm biting on your head, there's no need to be impolite.
An' If I still had eyes,
Then I would surely cry.
Nobody likes you when you're dead
An' that's the story of my life.
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Sweety
post Nov 24 2005, 08:29 PM
Post #35


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(satine)
What do George Bush's wife and the American flag have in common?
They both go down in the name of the president.


doohhhh


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Sweety
post Dec 3 2005, 07:32 AM
Post #36


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Guts or Balls


We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know
the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the
definition for each is listed below....

GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being
assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are
you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"

BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of
perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass
and having the balls to say: "You're next."

I hope this clears up any confusion on the subject.


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Sweety
post Dec 6 2005, 10:33 AM
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WOMAN: What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?
MAN: Definitely not!
WOMAN: Why not - don't you like being married?
MAN: Of course I do.
WOMAN: Then why wouldn't you remarry?
MAN: Okay, I'd get married again.
WOMAN: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)
MAN: (makes audible groan)
WOMAN: Would you sleep with her in our bed?
MAN: Where else would we sleep?
WOMAN: Would you replace my pictures with hers?
MAN: That would seem like the proper thing to do.
WOMAN: Would she use my golf clubs?
MAN: No, she's left-handed.
WOMAN: - - - silence - - -
MAN: Shit.


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tudoriona
post Dec 11 2005, 03:29 PM
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Johnny was walking on the street.
His head was empty.
His heart was broken.
His will was missing.
But the worst thing was that ...
... his money were with Teddy !!!
\\----------------
Today, Johnny is happy.
His head is no longer empty.
His heart is no longer broken.
His will....
But especially, his wife is with Teddy !!


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iambia
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mary_just_me
post Feb 6 2006, 01:50 PM
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verry funny jokes gang :wink:
now i should add some
hopefully u haven't read them somewhere else :smoke:
:strumf:


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I love life!
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mary_just_me
post Feb 6 2006, 01:52 PM
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One evening, husband and wife are returning from a wedding ceremony.
Stepping up the stairs behind his wife the man tells to his wife:
- ? My darling you have such a big butt like a washing machine??
- wife has no reply?.
Later on, they supposed to get into bed the man feels like he would like a sex shoot, he?s asking his wife for..
The wife upset replies to his hubby:
- ?For such a tiny cloth I won?t turn on the washing machine, you can wash it by hand!?


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