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Fun and Jokes
jolie_jojo
post Dec 10 2008, 11:07 AM
Post #121


Tra la la
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A woman scanned the guests at a party and spotted an attractive man standing alone. She approached him.
"My name is Carmen," she told him.
"That's a beautiful name," he replied, "Is it a family name?"
"No," she replied. "I gave it to myself. It reflects the things I like most -- cars and men."
"What's your name?" she asked.
He said, "B. J. Titsengolf'"


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"Suntem nevoiti sa va returnam declaratia fiscala cu rugamintea sa o revedeti si sa faceti corecturile necesare, deoarece nu putem accepta raspunsul dvs. de la rubrica PERSOANE AFLATE IN INTRETINERE unde ati trecut Guvernul, Parlamentul, functionarii administratiei locale, judetene si de stat precum si cateva milioane de tigani si pensionari pe caz de boala"
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tuffgirl
post Dec 22 2008, 09:46 PM
Post #122


Can't touch this!
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Box Donation

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, ' I almost had an affair with another woman. '

The priest said, ' What do you mean, almost? '

The Irishman said, ' Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then stopped '

The priest said, ' Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You ' re not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Marys and put $50 in the poor box. '

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, ' I saw that. You didn ' t put any money in the poor box! '

The Irishman replied, ' Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that ' s the same as putting it in! '



Lemon Squeeze
There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession.

Upon entering the confessional, she said, ' Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. ' The priest said, ' Confess your sins and be forgiven. '

The young woman said, ' Last night my boyfriend made mad, passionate love to me seven times. '

The priest thought long and hard and then said, ' Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice. '

The young woman asked, ' Will this cleanse me of my sins? '
The priest said, ' No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.




Catholic Dog

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, ' Father, my dog is dead. Could ya ' be saying ' a mass for the poor creature? '

Father Patrick replied, ' I ' m afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there ' s no tellin ' what they believe. Maybe they ' ll do something for the creature '

Maldoon said, ' I ' ll go right away Father. Do ya ' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service? '

Father Patrick exclaimed, ' Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn ' t ya tell me the dog was Catholic?




Donation

Father O ' Malley answers the phone. ' Hello, is this Father O ' Malley? '

'It is! '

'This is the Internal Revenue Service. Can you help us? '

'I can! '

'Do you know a Ted Houlihan? '

'I do! '

'Is he a member of your congregation? '

'He is! '

'Did he donate $10,000 to the church? '

'He will!! '











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You have been weighed, you have been measured, and you have been found wanting. In what world could you possibly beat me?
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tuffgirl
post Feb 5 2009, 06:14 AM
Post #123


Can't touch this!
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Why our country (U.S.) is in trouble



A DC airport ticket agent offers some examples of 'why' our country is in trouble!

1. I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman ask for an aisle seat so that her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window. (On an airplane!)

2. I got a call from a candidate's staffer, who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information, and then she interrupted me with, ''I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts.''
Without trying to make her look stupid, I calmly explained, ''Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa ''
Her response -- click.

3. A senior Vermont Congressman called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that's not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state.
He replied, 'don't lie to me, I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state!'' (OMG)

4. I got a call from a lawmaker's wife who asked, ''Is it possible to see England from Canada ?'' I said, ''No.''
She said, ''But they look so close on the map.'' (OMG, again!)

5. An aide for a cabinet member once called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas.
I pulled up the reservation and noticed he had only a 1-hour layover in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, ''I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a car to drive between gates to save time.'' (Aghhhh)

6. An Illinois Congresswoman called last week. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:30 a.m., and got to Chicago at 8:33 a.m.
I explained that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she couldn't understand the concept of time zones.
Finally, I told her the plane went fast, and she bought that.

7. A New York lawmaker called and asked, ''Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to whom?'' I said, 'No, why do you ask?'
She replied, ''Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said (FAT), and I'm overweight. I think that's very rude!''
After putting her on hold for a minute, while I looked into it. (I was dying laughing). I came back and explained the city code for Fresno, Ca. is (FAT - Fresno Air Terminal), and the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.

8. A Senator's aide called to inquire about a trip package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, ''Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train To Hawaii?''

9. I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman who asked, ''How do I know which plane to get on?''
I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, ''I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these planes have numbers on them.''

10. A lady Senator called and said, ''I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola, Florida. Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?''
I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola, FL on a commuter plane.
She said, ''Yeah, whatever, smarty!''

11. A senior Senator called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him that he needed a visa. 'Oh, no I don't. I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those.'' I double checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa.
When I told him this he said, ''Look, I've been to China four times. and every time they have accepted my American Express!''

12. A New Mexico Congress woman called to make reservations, ''I want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York.''I was at a loss for words. Finally, I said, ''Are you sure that's the name of the town?''
'Yes, what flights do you have?'' replied the lady.
After some searching, I came back with, ''I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a rhino anywhere."
The lady retorted, ''Oh, don't be silly! Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!''
So I scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, ''You don't mean Buffalo, do you?''
The reply? ''Whatever! I knew it was a big animal.''

Now you know why the Government is in the shape that it's in!
Could anyone be this DUMB?
YES, THEY WALK AMONG US, ARE IN POLITICS, AND THEY CONTINUE TO BREED.
I don't write it, I just offer it for your consideration.


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You have been weighed, you have been measured, and you have been found wanting. In what world could you possibly beat me?
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tuffgirl
post May 19 2009, 05:25 PM
Post #124


Can't touch this!
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Member No.: 618



A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, 'Are you allergic to anything?' He replies, 'Yes - caffeine.'

'Have you ever been in the military service?' 'Yes,' he says 'I was in Iraq for two years.' The interviewer says, 'That will give you 5 extra points toward employment.'

Then he asks, 'Are you disabled in any way?' The guy says, 'Yes...an IED exploded near me and I lost both of my testicles.' The interviewer grimaces and then says, 'O.K. You've got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 - and plan on starting at 10:00 A .M. every day.'

The guy is puzzled and says, 'If the work hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M., why don't you want me to here until 10:00 A.M.?'
This is a government job,' the interviewer says.. 'For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that.'


--------------------
You have been weighed, you have been measured, and you have been found wanting. In what world could you possibly beat me?
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