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The Judge asked the defendant, "Mr. Jones ,do you understand that you have sworn to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth?"

"I do."

"Now what do you say to defend yourself?"

"Your Honor, under those limitations... nothing."
1)The resident began his examination of an elderly woman by asking him what brought her to the hospital.

The woman replied, "An ambulance."

2)Worst thing a doctor could say to his patient:

"Your condition is so rare, we're not sure we're pronouncing it right."
Name Puns We'd All Like to See

1. If Yoko Ono married Sonny Bono, she'd be Yoko Ono Bono.

2. If Dolly Parton married Salvador Dali, she'd be Dolly Dali.

3. If Bo Derek married Don Ho, she'd be Bo Ho.

4. If Oprah Winfrey married Deepak Chopra, she'd be Oprah Chopra.

5. If Cat Stevens married Snoop Doggy Dogg (Hey! Now everything is possible!) he'd be Cat Doggy Dogg.

6. If Olivia Newton-John married Wayne Newton, then divorced him to marry Elton John, she'd be Olivia Newton-John Newton John.

7. If Sondra Locke married Elliott Ness, then divorced him to marry Herman Munster, she'd become Sondra Locke Ness Munster.

8. If Bea Arthur married Sting, she'd be Bea Sting.

9. If Liv Ullman married Judge Lance Ito, then divorced him and married Jerry Mathers, she'd be Liv Ito Beaver.

10. If Snoop Doggy Dogg married Winnie the Pooh, he'd be Snoop Doggy Dogg Pooh.

11. How about a baseball marriage? If Boog Powell married Felipe Alou, he'd be Boog Alou.

12. If G. Gordon Liddy married Boutros-Boutros Ghali, then divorced him to marry Kenny G., he'd be G. Ghali G.

13. Nog (Quark's nephew on "Star Trek: Deep Space Nine") has no other name, so he uses it twice when getting a marriage license. If he married Howard Hughes, and then Pamela Dare, he'd be Nog Nog Hughes Dare.

14. If Shirley Jones married Tom Ewell, then Johnny Rotten, then Nathan Hale, she'd be Shirley Ewell Rotten Hale.

15. If Jack Handy (SNL writer) married Andy Capp, then married Jack Paar, then moved on to Stephen King, he'd be Jack Handy Capp Paar King.

16. If Javier Lopez married Keiko the whale, and Edith Piaf married Rose Tu the elephant, they would be Javier Keiko and Edith Tu.

17. If Ivana Trump married, in succession, Orson Bean (actor), King Oscar (of Norway), Louis B. Mayer (of MGM), and Norbert Wiener (mathematician), she would then be Ivana Bean Oscar Mayer Wiener.

18. If Woody Allen married Natalie Wood, divorced her and married Gregory Peck, divorced him and married Ben Hur, he'd be Woody Wood Peck Hur.

19. If Dolly Parton married Tommy Smothers, then went even further back in show business and married Mr. Lucky, then divorced and married Martin Short, then divorced and married football kicker Ray Guy, we could all nod understandingly when we heard, "Dolly Parton Smothers Lucky Short Guy."
College Break-up Techniques, Arranged by Major - II

GEOGRAPHY: Simply move far away.

HISTORY: Argue that the breakup was caused by something the other person did in the past.

JEWISH STUDIES: "OY ! You should feel so guilty!"

LAW: Sue her for breach of a pre-dating agreement.

PHILOSOPHY: "If two people break up and there's no one to witness the breakup, are we really single?"

PHYSICS: "What goes up must come down."

PSYCHOLOGY: Accuse the guy of just using you as a substitute for his mother.

SOCIOLOGY: Claim to have been oppressed in the relationship.

THEATER: "OH MY GOD! Life is... ENDED... as we KNOW it!"

ZOOLOGY: "We are able to mate like banshees, but lack sophisticated communication skills."
College Break-up Techniques, Arranged by Major - I

ANATOMY: "I never liked your body."

ARCHAEOLOGY: "Let's bury the past."

ARCHITECTURE: "There just wasn't much to build on...".

BIOLOGY: "You just wanted to get in my genes!"

CHEMISTRY: "It was just the wrong chemistry between us..."

COMPUTING: "Man, this bytes we just can't interface "

COUNSELING: "Get help!"

ECONOMICS: "You just demand more than I can supply."

EDUCATION: "Our relationship has been a learning experience..."

ELEC ENGINEER: "I'm sure there are positives and negatives, but..."

ENGLISH: Write a perfect breakup letter, complete with introduction, thesis, body, and conclusion, that doesn't really say anything substantively intelligible.
Things Found Only In America
1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
3. Only in drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
4. Only in people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet Coke.
5. Only in banks leave both doors to the vault open and then chain the pens to the counters.
6. Only in we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
7. Only in we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
8. Only in we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
9. Only in we use the word "politics" to describe the process so well: "poli" in Latin meaning "many" and "tics" meaning "bloodsucking creatures."
10. Only in they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.
Only in America ..... a child molester can go free ! laugh.gif That's Michael Jackson, for those of you who do not know whom am I referring to !
You , sir, are off topic and did you really think he was going to jail? laugh.gif Lets be serious!
As i mature

I learned that you cannot make someone love you.
All you can do is stalk them an hope they panic and give in.

I learned that no matter how much i care some people are just assholes.

I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion, not proof to destroy it.

I learned that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes.
After that , you'd better have a big "willy" or huge boobs.

I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others- they are more screwed up than you think.

I've learned that you can keep vomiting long after you're finished.

I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless
we are celebrities.

i've learned that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is
at first, the passion fades, and there had better be a lot of money to
take it's place!

I've learned that 99% of the time when something isn't working in your
house, one of your kids did it.

I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you to soon and all the less important ones just never go away.

laugh.gif laugh.gif laugh.gif
-- WOMAN - A Chemical Analysis --



Atomic Weight:
Accepted as 57, but known to vary from 50 to 96


Copious quantities in all Urban areas, with slighlty lower concentrations in Suburban and Rural areas. Subject to seasonal fluctuations.

Physical Properties:
1) Surface usually covered with painted film.
2) Boils at nothing, freezes without reason.
3) Melts if given special treatment.
4) Bitter if used incorrectly. Can cause headaches. Handle with care!
5) Found in various states; ranging from virgin metal to common ore.
6) Yields to pressure applied to correct points.

Chemical Properties:
1) Has great affinity for Gold, Silver, Platinum and many of the Precious Stones.
2) Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances.
3) May explode spontaneously if left alone on dates.
4) Insoluble in liquids, but there is increased activity when saturated in alcohol to a certain point.
5) Repels cheap material. Neutral to common sense.
6) Most powerful money reducing agent known to Man.

Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars.
Can greatly improve relaxation levels.
Can warm and comfort under some circumstances.
Can cool things down when it's too hot.

Pure specimen turns rosy pink when discovered in natural state. Turns green when placed beside a better specimen.

1) Highly dangerous except in experienced hands. Use extreme care when handling.
2) Illegal to possess more than one, except in Utah.
Good going Anne. If i had a sign for hi five it would have been appropriate for this one laugh.gif laugh.gif laugh.gif :wink:

Between 18 & 20, a woman is like Africa;
Half discovered, half wild; naturally
Beautiful with fertile deltas.

Between 21 & 30, a woman is like America;
Well developed and open to trade especially
for someone with cash.

Between 31 & 35, she is like India;
Very hot, relaxed, & convinced of her own

Between 36 & 40, a woman is like France;
Gently aging but still a warm and desirable
place to visit.

Between 41 & 50, she is like Yugoslavia;
Lost the war, haunted by past mistakes.
Massive reconstruction is now necessary.

Between 51 & 60, a woman is like Russia;
Very wide and borders are unpatrolled.
The frigid climate keeps people away.

Between 61 & 70, a woman is like Mongolia;
With a glorious and all conquering past but
alas, no future.

After 70, they become like Afghanistan;
everyone knows where it is, but nobody wants to
go there.

Between 15 & 70, a man is like Iraq; ruled by a dick laugh.gif laugh.gif laugh.gif
John went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded, rural area of Georgia. John's grandfather prepared breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast. However, John noticed a film-like substance on his plate, and questioned his grandfather asking, "Are these plates clean?"

His grandfather replied, "They're as clean as cold water can get them. Just you go ahead and finish your meal, Sonny!"

For lunch, the old man made hamburgers. Again, John was concerned about the plates as his appeared to have tiny specks around the edge that looked like dried egg and asked, "Are you sure these plates are clean?"

Without looking up the old man said, "I told you before, Sonny, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now don't you fret, I don't want to hear another word about it!"

Later that afternoon, John was on his way to a nearby town and as he was leaving, his grandfather's dog started to growl, and wouldn't let him pass. John yelled and said, "Grandfather, your dog won't let me get to my car!"

Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV, the old man shouted, "Coldwater, go lie down!"
The best break up letter ever! A soldier stationed in Iraq recently received
a "Dear John" letter from his girlfriend back home. It read as follows:

"Dear Ricky,

I can no longer continue our relationship. The distance between us is just
too great. I must admit that I have cheated on you twice, since you've been
gone, and it's not fair to either of us. I'm sorry. Please return the
picture of me that I sent to you.

Love, Becky.............."

The soldier, with hurt feelings, asked his fellow soldiers for any
snapshots they could spare of their girlfriends, sisters or ex-girlfriends.
In addition to the picture of Becky, Ricky included all the other pictures
of the pretty gals he had collected from his buddies.
There were 57 photos in that envelope.... along with this note:

"Dear Becky, I'm so sorry, but I can't quite remember who the f*** you are.
please take your picture from the pile, and send the rest back to me.

Take care,
Ricky ..... "
Courtroom Q &A

Q: All your responses to the questions must be oral. Do you understand?

A: Yes

Q: What school did you attend in the fall of 1995?

A: Oral.
Alcohol Deficiency and Remedy Chart

SYMPTOM: Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction, beer is unusually pale and clear.

FAULT: Glass empty.

ACTION: Find someone who will buy you another beer.


SYMPTOM: Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction, and the front of your shirt is wet.

FAULT: Mouth not open when drinking or glass applied to wrong part of face.

ACTION: Buy another beer and practice in front of mirror. Drink as many as needed to perfect drinking technique.


SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.

FAULT: Improper bladder control.

ACTION: Go stand next to nearest dog. After a while complain to the owner about its lack of house training and demand a beer as compensation. --

SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.

FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.

ACTION: Find someone who will buy you another beer.


SYMPTOM: Floor swaying.

FAULT: Excessive air turbulence, perhaps due to air-hockey game in progress.

ACTION: Insert broom handle down back of jacket.


SYMPTOM: Floor moving.

FAULT: You are being carried out.

ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar. If not, complain loudly that you are being kidnapped.


SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.

FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.

ACTION: Turn glass other way up so that open end points toward ceiling.


SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with ceiling tiles and fluorescent light strip across it.

FAULT: You have fallen over backward.

ACTION: If your glass is full and no one is standing on your drinking arm, stay put. If not, get someone to help you get up; latch self to bar.


SYMPTOM: Everything has gone dim, mouth full of cigarette butts.

FAULT: You have fallen forward.

ACTION: See above.


SYMPTOM: Everything has gone dark.

FAULT: The Bar is closing.

ACTION: Panic.


SYMPTOM: You awaken to find your bed hard, cold and wet. You cannot see anything in your bedroom.

FAULT: You have spent the night in the gutter.

ACTION: Check your watch to see if bars are open yet. If not, treat yourself to a lie-in.
An accountant gets home late one night and his wife says, "Where the hell have you been?"
He replies, "I was out getting a tattoo."
"A tattoo?" she frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?"
"I got a hundred dollar bill on my penis," he said proudly.
"What the hell were you thinking?" she said, shaking her head in disdain.
"Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred dollar bill on his penis?"
"Well, one, I like to watch my money grow," he began.
Two, once in a while, I like to play with my money...
Three, I like how money feels in my hand...
And lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want!!!"

laugh.gif laugh.gif :wink:
That was a good one laugh.gif laugh.gif laugh.gif :roll2:
Good 'couse it was for you!
Thank you Aneisse biggrin.gif here is one and let me tell you it is true:
You Know You Live in New York City when...

1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.

2. You have never been to the Statue of Liberty or the Empire State Building.

3. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.

4 You think Central Park is "nature,"

5. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.

6. You've worn out a car horn.

7. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.
Two blondes and a brunette were hanging from a rope going horizontaily across a canyon. The rope could only support two people at a time, so they decided to each give a speech. The two who gave the best speech could remain on the rope.
The first blonde gave her speech and it was pretty good.

The second blonde gave her speech and it was wonderful.

Then the brunette gave her speech, it was fabulous!

The blondes were so impressed, they clapped their hands.....
In the beginning, there was nothing.

God said, "Let there be light!"...and there was light!

There was still nothing, but you could see it a whole lot better.
Three men were walking through the forest when they came to an enormous river. The river rapids were splashing everywhere, making it too dangerous to swim. All of a sudden, a river guardian appears.
Guardian: If you desire to cross this river, I will give each of you one wish in order to do so. Use it wisely.

First man: I wish I were big, tall, and strong enough in order to wade across the river.

*POOF!* He became what he wished for, waded across the river, and turned back into himself on the other side.

Second man: I know! I wish I could be a bird, so that way I could fly across the river!

*POOF! He turned into a bird, flew across, and turned back into himself on the other side.

Third man: -Hmm, I'm going to do this the right way. How about...- I wish I had the intelligence to get across this river.

So *POOF!* The man turned into a woman and walked across the bridge.

tongue.gif tongue.gif tongue.gif laugh.gif
A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started."
Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger."

He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then....." he sighed, "let's put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box."
12 things you didn't know, you didn't know tongue.gif

Did you know...

It is impossible to lick your elbow.
A crocodile can't stick its tongue out.
A shrimp's heart is in its head.
In a study of 200,000 ostriches, over a period of 80 years, no one reported a single case where an ostrich buried its head in the sand.
It is physically impossible for pigs to look up into the sky.
A pregnant goldfish is called a twit.
More than 50% of the people in the world have never made or received a telephone call.
Horses can't vomit.
The "sixth sick sheik's sixth sheep's sick" is said to be the toughest tongue twister in the English language.
If you sneeze too hard, you can fracture a rib. If you try to suppress a sneeze, you can rupture a blood vessel in your head or neck and die. And, if you keep your eyes open by force, they can pop out.
Rats multiply so quickly that in 18 months, two rats could have over a million descendants.
Wearing headphones for just an hour will increase the bacteria in your ear by 700 times.

I didn't think you knew these things you didn't know before reading this message! :-)
A truck pulls up to a stop sign and begins to slow down, but doesn't stop. He then sees blue lights pulling him over.
When the cop comes to the window he asked why the driver didn't stop.

The driver responds I slowed down and didn't see anyone.

The officer then begins slapping the driver across the face.

The driver says WHAT ARE YOU DOING..

The cop replies "Do you want me to stop or slow down?"
a classic one...
why do the chicken cross the road?
to get to the other side

PRISON: you spend the majority of your time in an 8X10 cell.
AT WORK: you spend the majority of your time in a 6X8 cubicle.

IN PRISON: you get three meals a day.
AT WORK: you only get a break for one meal and you pay for it.

IN PRISON: you get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK: you get more work for good behavior.

IN PRISON: the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK: you must carry around a security card and open all the doors for yourself.

IN PRISON: you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK: you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

IN PRISON: you get your own toilet.
AT WORK: you have to share with some idiot who pees on the seat.

IN PRISON: they allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK: you can't even speak to your family.

IN PRISON: the taxpayers pay all expenses with no work required.
AT WORK: you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

IN PRISON: you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out.
AT WORK: you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.

IN PRISON: you must deal with sadistic wardens.
AT WORK: they are called managers.

To those of us who have children in our lives, whether they are our own, grandchildren, nieces, nephews, or is something to make you chuckle. Whenever your children are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to His own children After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing he said was "DON'T!"

"Don't what?" Adam replied.

"Don't eat the forbidden fruit." God said.

"Forbidden fruit? We have forbidden fruit? Hey Eve..we have forbidden fruit!!!!!"

"No Way!"

"Yes way!"

"Do NOT eat the fruit!" said God.


"Because I am your Father and I said so!" God replied, wondering why He hadn't stopped creation after making the elephants. A few minutes later, God saw His children having an apple break and He was ticked! "Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit?" God asked.

"Uh huh," Adam replied.

"Then why did you?" said the Father.

"I don't know," said Eve.

"She started it!" Adam said

"Did not!"

"Did too!"


Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own. Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed.

BUT THERE IS REASSURANCE IN THE STORY! If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give children wisdom and they haven't taken it, don't be hard on yourself. If God had trouble raising children, what makes you think it would be a piece of cake for you?

1. You spend the first two years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next sixteen telling them to sit down and shut up.

2. Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your own children.

3. Mothers of teens now know why some animals eat their young.

4. Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.

5. The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own.

6. We childproofed our homes, but they are still getting in.

ADVICE FOR THE DAY: Be nice to your kids. They will choose your nursing home one day.



Fifteen days ago I read that smoking can kill you.
The next day I stopped smoking.

Twelve days ago I read that too much red meat can kill you. The next day I stopped eating red meat..

Eight days ago I read that drinking can kill you.

The next day I stopped drinking.

Yesterday I read that having sex can kill you.

This morning I stopped reading.
Here's a sick one :ranjet:

Michael Jackson and his wife are in the recovery room with their new baby son.

The doctor walks in and Michael asks: "Doctor, how long before we can have sex?"

The doctor replies, "I'd wait until he's at least 14.
Cool differences & more...

What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife? 45lbs
What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? 45 min.

What is it when a man talks nasty to a woman? Sexual Harassment
What is it when a woman talks nasty to a man? $3.99 a min.

How can you tell if your wife is dead?
The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.

How can you tell if your husband is dead?
The sex is the same, but you get the remote.

What's a blonde's favorite nursery rhyme?
Humpme Dumpme.

What's it called when a woman is paralyzed from the waist down?

How many men does it take to change a light bulb?
None, they just sit there in the dark and complain.

What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp implement.

What have men and floor tiles got in common?
If you lay them properly the first time you can walk all over them
for life.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.

What is a man's view of safe sex?
A padded headboard.

How do men sort their laundry?
"Filthy" and "Filthy but Wearable"

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of

What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.

Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?
The guy who can have a cup of coffee in each hand and still carry a
dozen doughnuts.

Who is the most popular woman at a nudist colony?
The woman who ate the last doughnut.

What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.

A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third grade. Who has
the biggest breasts?
The blonde, because she's 18.

Do you know the punishment for bigamy?
What's green, fuzzy, has 4 legs, and, if it falls out of a tree, can kill you?

A pool table.
What do George Bush's wife and the American flag have in common?
They both go down in the name of the president.
What do George Bush's wife and the American flag have in common?
They both go down in the name of the president.

Guts or Balls

We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know
the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the
definition for each is listed below....

GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being
assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are
you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"

BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of
perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass
and having the balls to say: "You're next."

I hope this clears up any confusion on the subject.
WOMAN: What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?
MAN: Definitely not!
WOMAN: Why not - don't you like being married?
MAN: Of course I do.
WOMAN: Then why wouldn't you remarry?
MAN: Okay, I'd get married again.
WOMAN: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)
MAN: (makes audible groan)
WOMAN: Would you sleep with her in our bed?
MAN: Where else would we sleep?
WOMAN: Would you replace my pictures with hers?
MAN: That would seem like the proper thing to do.
WOMAN: Would she use my golf clubs?
MAN: No, she's left-handed.
WOMAN: - - - silence - - -
MAN: Shit.
Johnny was walking on the street.
His head was empty.
His heart was broken.
His will was missing.
But the worst thing was that ...
... his money were with Teddy !!!
Today, Johnny is happy.
His head is no longer empty.
His heart is no longer broken.
His will....
But especially, his wife is with Teddy !!
verry funny jokes gang :wink:
now i should add some
hopefully u haven't read them somewhere else :smoke:
One evening, husband and wife are returning from a wedding ceremony.
Stepping up the stairs behind his wife the man tells to his wife:
- ? My darling you have such a big butt like a washing machine??
- wife has no reply?.
Later on, they supposed to get into bed the man feels like he would like a sex shoot, he?s asking his wife for..
The wife upset replies to his hubby:
- ?For such a tiny cloth I won?t turn on the washing machine, you can wash it by hand!?
Grandma's birth control pills

The doctor that had been seeing an 80-year-old woman for most of her lifefinally retired. At her next checkup, the new doctor told her to bring a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her.
As the young doctor was looking through these, his eyes grew wide as he realized she had a prescription for birth control pills.
"Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are BIRTH CONTROL pills?
"Yes, they help me sleep at night."
"Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely NOTHING in these that could possibly help you sleep!"
She reached out and patted the young Doctor's knee.
"Yes, dear, I know that. But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16 year old granddaughter drinks..........
And believe me, it helps me sleep at night."

You gotta like Grandmas.
Should children witness childbirth?

laugh.gif laugh.gif laugh.gif
Should children witness childbirth?

This is one of the funniest!

Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call.
The house was very, very dark, so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a
3-year-old girl, to hold a flashlight
high over her Mommy so he
could see while he helped deliver the baby. Very diligently, Kathleen
did as she was asked. Heidi pushed and pushed, and after a little while
Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked
him on his bottom.
Connor began to cry. The paramedic then thanked Kathleen
for her help and asked the
wide-eyed 3-year old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.
Kathleen quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first
place......... smack his butt again"
:roll2: :okay:
. A trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his order.
>He said, "I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights, and a pair of
>running boards."
>The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the
>kitchen and said to the cook, "This guy out there just ordered three flat
>tires, a pair of headlights, and a pair of running boards. What does he
>think this is, an auto parts store?"
>"No," the cook said. "Three flat tires mean three pancakes, a pair of
>headlights is two eggs sunny side up, and running boards are 2 slices
>of crisp bacon?"
>"Oh, OK!" said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment and then
>spooned up
>a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer.
>The trucker asked, "What are the beans for Blondie?"
>She replied, "I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires,
>headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up!"

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man
opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This
time the smile turned into a

grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more
amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained
to the driver, and he had the man arrested.

The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself. The man replied,
"Well your Honor, it was like this:
When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her
condition. She sat down under a sign that said, 'The Double Mint Twins are coming,' and I grinned."
"Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, 'Logan's Liniment will
reduce the swelling', and I had to smile."
"Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, 'William's
Big Stick did the trick,' and I could hardly contain myself."

"BUT, your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, 'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this accident'... I just lost it."

laugh.gif laugh.gif laugh.gif laugh.gif laugh.gif
Six-year-old Brandon decided one Saturday morning to fix his parents pancakes. He found a big bowl and spoon, pulled a chair to the counter, opened the cupboard and pulled out the heavy flour canister, spilling it on the floor.
He scooped some of the flour into the bowl with his hands, mixed in most of a cup of milk and added some sugar, leaving a floury trail on the floor which by now had a few tracks left by his kitten.
Brandon was covered with flour and getting frustrated. He wanted this to be something very good for Mom and Dad, but it was getting very bad.
He didn't know what to do next, whether to put it all into the oven or on the stove and he didn't know how the stove worked! Suddenly he saw his kitten licking from the bowl of mix and reached to push her away, knocking the egg carton to the floor. Frantically he tried to clean up this monumental
mess but slipped on the eggs, getting his pajamas white and sticky.
And just then he saw Dad standing at the door. Big crocodile tears welled up in Brandon's eyes All he'd wanted to do was something good, but he'd made a terrible mess He was sure a scolding was coming, maybe even a spanking.
But his father just watched him.
Then, walking through the mess, he picked up his crying son, hugged him and loved him, getting his own pajamas white and sticky in the process!
That's how God deals with us. We try to do something good in life, but it turns into a mess. Our marriage gets all sticky or we insult a friend, or we can't stand our job, or our health goes sour.
Sometimes we just stand there in tears because we can't think of anything else to do. That's when God picks us up and loves us and forgives us, even though some of our mess gets all over Him.
But just because we might mess up, we can't stop! trying to "make pancakes" for God or for others. Sooner or later we'll get it right, and then they'll be glad we tried...
I was thinking. .. and I wondered if I had any wounds needing to be healed, friendships that need rekindling or three words needing to be said, sometimes, "I love you" can heal & bless! Remind every one of your friends that you love them. Even if you think they don't love back, you would be amazed at
what those three little words, a smile, and a reminder likes this can do.
there was a mom skunk and a mom duck and they both had a baby.
the two mothers get ran over and killed. then the baby duck starts to cry, the baby skunk goes over to him and asks him, "what?s wrong?"the duck
said,??i don?t know what animal i am.??well,??said the skunk,??you have an
orange bill,lellow feathers, and webbed feet,sooo,your a duck.??then out of
nowhere the skunk starts to cry.??what?s the matter??said the duck.??i don?t know what animal i am.?? the duck then says??well, you are half white,
half black, and you smell like chit,soooo you are a mexican. tongue.gif
Doctor says to a guy, "I have bad news, and worse news".

Guy says, "What's the bad news."

"You have AIDS."

"Oh, crap. WTH is the worse news??!!"

"You have Alzheimer's."

"Thank God! I thought you were going to tell me I had AIDS."
A well dressed lawyer went into a bar for a martini and found himself beside a scrungy-looking drunk who kept mumbling and studying something in his hand. The attorney leaned closer while the drunk held the tiny object up to the light, slurring "Well, it looks like plastic." Then he rolled it between his fingers, adding "But it feels like rubber."

Curious, the lawyer asked, "What do you have there mister?"

The drunk stammered,"Damn if I know, but it looks like plastic and feels like rubber."

The lawyer said "Let me take a look" and the drunk handed it over. The attorney rolled it between his thumb and fingers, then examined it closely. "Yeah, it does look like plastic and feel like rubber, but I don't know what it is. Where did you get it anyway?"

The drunk replied "Outa my nose."
Two high-school buddies were attending the senior prom. "Suzy wants to go out to my car. She's really hot," one boy said. "I'm really nervous. I know I'll goof up!"

"Take it easy," his friend assured him. "All you gotta do is compliment her. Chicks love to be complemented. You'll have her in the palm of your hand."

About a half-hour later the young man came back, rubbing a black eye.

"Dang, man! What happened to you?!" his buddy asked.

"I took your advice."

"Didn't you compliment her?"

"Sure I did. We got in my car and started kissing. I told her that for such full lips, hers sure tasted sweet. She liked that. After a while I started feeling her tits, and I told her that for such large breasts they sure were firm. She liked that too."

"It sounds like you were doing great," his friend said. "Well," the other answered, "that's when everything went wrong. I got her dress up and her panties off, and I tried to think of another compliment."

"What did you say?"

"For such a large crack, it really doesn't stink much."
The Pope, really upset over all the scandels involving Preists and sex has finally had it. He called some of the Cardinals into his office and tells them to call all the Preists and have them come to the vadican for a meeting and a test to see who has problems.
A couple of weeks go by and finally all the Peists arrive at the Vadican for the test. The Pope orders the Cardinals to call the Preists in 10 at a time and they will be tested and anyone who fails the test will be removed from the preist hood.
The first 10 Preists come into the room and the Pope has them all strip naked and tie a bell to their penis. He then says during the test if anyone gets arroused the bell will ring and they will fail the test.
The first part of the test begins, the Pope has a Cardinal bring in a huge stack of porno magazines and hands them out to the Preists, he listens closely for any bells and hears none, "nery good, you have passed the first test, now onto #2."
Next the Pope opens a door to the room and a group of lovely well endowed women come running into the room naked, jumping and kissing on each other, agin the pope listens closely and sure enough he hears a bell ring. "Father John" the Pope yells, "you must get your clothes and leave!!"
As the father bends down to pick up his clothes he turns his back to the other Preist in shame and as he bends to pick his clothes up the remaining 9 bells begin to ring.

:shock: laugh.gif
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